Whose Mouth Is This?

We found this mouth crawling around our office and it is extremely annoying. If this is your mouth, please come pick it up. We have no use for it here.

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Here’s the mouth we’re talking about. It’s been crawling all over our walls yelling things at us. We tried to have a meeting and it kept shouting, “Kill me and feed me! Kill me and feed me!” We asked it to be quiet and it spat at us like a camel. We don’t like this mouth and we want it to be gone.

The mouth just crawled like a worm inside our first-aid kit. Now any time someone sticks their hand in there to get a Band-Aid or some Advil, the mouth yells at them and calls them “an animal’s bra” until they leave. If this is your mouth, you should know that it’s quite an awful mouth. Please come by and stick your mouth back onto the front of your head and take it home. We don’t want to deal with it anymore.

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Now the mouth is on the door of the fridge where we keep our lunches. Any time someone tries to open the fridge to get their sandwich, the mouth coughs a cloud of smoke into their face. If you own this mouth, you should know that we’re angry at you. We’re sick of babysitting your mouth and we want to eat lunch.

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Jesus Christ! The mouth just bit Evan! Evan’s our building manager and he works very hard and did not deserve to get bit by some rude little mouth! The doctor says the bite gave Evan a disease called Potomac Horse Fever, which only horses ever get. Your mouth gave Evan a horse disease and he had to cancel his vacation to Mt. Washington so that a veterinarian can give him gigantic pills for horses. Your mouth has ruined Evan’s summer. Hope you’re happy.

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Well, this guy with no mouth just showed up and we were like, “Finally! The mouth’s owner has arrived to take his terrible mouth home with him.” But when he tried to take the mouth home, the mouth said, “That’s not my owner,” and then spit in the mouthless guy’s eye like a camel. Please, we are begging you, if you know the owner of this mouth, please come take it out of our lives.

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Okay, that’s it. Seriously, we’ve got a real problem here. The mouth has climbed onto the fire extinguisher and any time someone tries to grab it the mouth bites them on the hand! Now, if there’s a fire, we’re not going to be able to put it out! We keep begging the mouth to let us use the fire extinguisher, but the mouth said, “You can use it if you give me my headache medicine.” We asked what the mouth’s headache medicine was and the mouth said it was, “Caviar from an extinct kind of shark.” The mouth won’t let us put out any fires unless we feed it impossible caviar! Please, if this is your mouth, get here as fast as you can and put it back on your face! Your mouth is putting ClickHole in danger! We hate your mouth forever! Your mouth is ClickHole’s second-biggest enemy (first biggest enemy is celebrated novelist Philip Roth, who continues to torment us from beyond the grave)!

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