Being 50 miles out to sea with hundreds of strangers, you’d think parents would be keeping close tabs on their kids. Not on this cruise ship. Everywhere you look, there are unsupervised, lobster-red children moseying about where they definitely shouldn’t be. Seriously, who’s supposed to be looking after these beefkins?


1. The completely red boy sitting outside the onboard casino with a huge plate of bacon

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Well, well, well. Look what we have here! This kid’s just meandering about in nothing but a bathing suit and Crocs, giving the entire ship a premium look at every inch of raw, red skin on his 6-year-old baby fat. Sure, he may seem pretty content lounging on the cigarette-smoke-stained casino carpet, munching away at his bacon pile that he clearly stole from Cafe Iguana breakfast buffet this morning, but that’s not the point. The fact is, people should be hunting down his parents, not giving him slices of their piña colada like some drunk old lady just did. Jesus.

2. The peeling boy getting yelled at by a German family for throwing up in the sauna

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Oh boy. After this kid got sun poisoning yesterday, he apparently puked in the wave pool, too. Supposedly, he’d been playing Nintendo DS in the sauna all alone, with no parents in sight, and then just casually hurled right on the floor. The German dad grabbed this kid’s arm and started shouting “Hallo? Hallo? Wo ist die mutti dieses jungen?” to no avail. This kid’s mutti and vati are M-I-fucking-A.

3-4. The two brothers fooling around with a wheelchair on the ship’s upper deck 

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How the fuck did they get a hold of a wheelchair? Someone probably needs that thing, right? Regardless, these porkers have been crashing the wheelchair into the ship’s railing nonstop, with only a thin sheet of fiberglass between them and a 1,200-foot drop into the Caribbean Sea. At this point, watching them barrel along the deck in a wheelchair they likely found outside some poor elderly person’s room, you have to wonder if the parents actually want both of these Rob Ford Jr.’s to go overboard.

5. The massive 12-year-old in the nightclub staring at all the college kids on spring break grind

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Honestly, if you told us this kid was actually 30 years old, we’d believe you, except for the fact that he was wearing a Johnny Bravo bathing suit and wristband for the Splash Academy. The kid’s been gaping at all the spring breakers making out for over an hour already, his bare chest visibly heaving with labored breaths between flashes of strobe light, just soaking in the sight of University of Alabama students hooking up on the dance floor. And for real, where the hell did this kid’s shirt go? If his farmer’s tan is any indication, the only thing that he’s been covering from the Caribbean sun are his huge belly and his indented-nippled titties. Seriously, can someone get him a shirt, or at least a towel?


Ugh. What a mess. Someone needs to ask these kids what rooms they’re staying in and get them out of here. More than anything, what they need is some aloe vera, and also, their goddamn moms and dads.

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