Listen up, StarKist, things in the digital media industry have become pretty dire, and unfortunately ClickHole needs to resort to desperate measures to stay afloat. We hate to do this to you, but we’ve got a whole bunch of pictures of kids claiming that your canned tuna gives them the energy they need to bully their classmates, and we won’t take them down unless you pay us $90 million. We wish things could be different, but our site needs to make a profit. Give us $90 million or else these pictures will be on the internet forever.
We feel really bad doing this, StarKist, but it’s a brutal time to be in internet publishing, and we have to generate revenue any way we can. Just pay ClickHole the $90 million and this picture will disappear.
Work with us here, StarKist. We’d hate for these photos to get spread around the internet and sully your company’s good name. Wire over the 90 mil and this whole thing goes away.
The clock is ticking, StarKist. Every second you spend waiting to give ClickHole $90 million, this image calling your canned fish “bully fuel” gets seen by more and more people. We wish it didn’t have to be this way, StarKist, but the harsh realities of our industry have forced us to resort to ugly tactics to stay in the black. Give us $90 million and we’ll take these photos down. We’re sorry. There can be no compromise.
Do you think we’re fucking around here, StarKist? Do not test us. ClickHole is on Kinja now, and if we wanted we could share this image on Gizmodo. Gizmodo gets crazy traffic, and it’d be a damn shame if their millions of readers were to see this testimonial from a little boy about how StarKist canned tuna is the reason why they’re a school bully. Is that what you want, or would you rather give us $90 million to put an end to this before these images go viral? The choice is yours, StarKist. We hope you make it wisely.