Illustration for article titled The Definition Of Luxury: This Spa Has Pools With Specialized Sharks That Eat Off Your Dead Limbs

If you live in the Portland area and are looking to treat yourself, you’ve got to try out Oasis Spa, a luxurious new spa that has pools with specialized sharks that eat off your dead limbs.

When patrons first enter this hot new self-care spot, they’re led to a saltwater pool where spa technicians gently lower them into the water and a swarm of fully-grown tiger sharks surrounds them and begins tearing off any loose, dead limbs. As calming instrumental music plays in the background, patrons lie in the pool for a full half hour while the swarm of sharks works its magic, ripping all black and green lifeless limbs from their body with their razor-sharp teeth. Once the luxurious treatment is completed, patrons are lifted out of the pool by Oasis Spa staff, bandaged and disinfected, dressed in a soft white robe, and sent on their way. Anyone who’s been to Oasis Spa will tell you that it feels a little weird when the sharks first start eating your dead body parts and the little chunks of dead flesh that still hang off your body, but you walk away feeling completely rejuvenated and with a big smile on your face.


Wow, you better make your reservations to Oasis Spa right now, because when word gets out, this place is definitely going to be booked solid. And if you’re not in the Portland area, rest assured that more of these specialized shark spas will be opening up around the country soon, because this place is officially luxury goals!

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