Feeling unwell? Every last disease, injury, and ailment that you can possibly have falls into one of the following classifications. Consult this list of the only four medical conditions to begin diagnosing your health problems. 


1. Fat

There are thousands of ways in which the medical condition of “fat” can manifest. Too fat? That’s a fat problem. Too small? That’s a fat problem. Pregnant? Also a fat problem. In fact, cases of fat are on the rise across the world, with doctors diagnosing patients as “little fellas gone big” or “big boys gone slender” with increasing regularity. Fat symptoms may come on suddenly and often include growing, shrinking, being of a size, and experiencing width.

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2. Cancer

If you have to go to the doctor’s office or hospital for any reason at all, you may be showing early signs of cancer. One of the biggest telltale signs that your body has developed cancer is being inside a health clinic where doctors and nurses are. Other urgent signs include baldness and laying in a bed, and if you find yourself experiencing these symptoms in tandem with each other, such as being bald and laying in a bed, contact a medical professional immediately to seek early treatment. It could save your life.

3. No Legs

Odds are, when you are feeling like your legs are not there, you’re likely experiencing what medical researchers have referred to as “no legs.” This extremely common malady can make basic tasks such as stomping, kicking, wearing shoes, and sprinting across the desert abnormally difficult. Luckily, this condition is easily treated with legs.

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4. Insane

Out of the four health issues that there are, insanity is by far the most dire and easily contracted. Symptoms of insanity range in severity, the mildest of which include being a lunatic or the desire to be a maniac. The most extreme symptoms of being insane include having weird eyes, getting bad grades at school, and screaming. If you suffer from insanity, don’t worry, because there are tons of people who are insane but still lead fully functional and happy lives, such as Sully Sullenberger, Missy Elliot, and Don Zimmer. If you find that you have become insane, put insanity cream on it.