The gloves have already come off in what’s shaping up to be a contentious Democratic primary, but one 2020 hopeful just got out ahead of his detractors by masterfully shutting down one of their favorite arguments: Bernie Sanders just proved he’s young enough to run for president by hiring a team of bodyguards that are all 20 years older than him.
Checkmate, naysayers! You can’t possibly look at this decrepit squad of nonagenarians and say that Bernie’s as old as them.
Sanders debuted his new team of ancient bodyguards yesterday morning by having them run security at an Ohio town hall event, and watching them feebly shuffle around the auditorium and struggle to open heavy doors made it abundantly clear that being a spry, young 77 like Sanders is no barrier to becoming president. While the bodyguards were selected to be 97 at the youngest, several of them are well into the triple digits, and anyone who thinks that Bernie missed his chance to run for president should guess again after seeing him juxtaposed with armed men two decades his senior. Of course, the extremely elderly bodyguards would be of little to no use in the event of an actual security threat, but considering how agile Bernie looks next to a wizened 103-year-old clinging to the railing as he slowly ascends a flight of stairs, the benefits to Bernie’s image as a viable candidate far outweigh the risks.
Ageists, consider yourselves officially shut down!
“I’d had my worries about Bernie being too old for the presidency, but after watching him have to personally help his elderly security team out of his motorcade because it was too large of a step for them to manage alone, I can say with confidence that Sanders is a perfect candidate,” said Ellen Barker, one of the attendees at the Ohio town hall. “I honestly don’t think anyone could look at Bernie walking three times as fast as an aged bodyguard trying to keep up with him and come to a different conclusion.”
Unfortunately, two of Bernie’s incredibly frail bodyguards have already had to step down due to sprains sustained on the job, and one passed away in his sleep after dozing off while guarding the entryway, but as long as Sanders can hang on to a few elderly bodyguards throughout the Democratic primary, the Vermont senator should have no trouble convincing voters that he’s comparatively still in his prime.
Whether or not he’s got your vote, you’ve got to hand it to Bernie Sanders that his very old bodyguards have totally shut down any attacks about his age. Sorry, haters, but this is what it feels like to get outplayed!