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Seems Extreme: Jacob Farted During Math And The Marines Wheeled Him Out Of The Classroom In One Of Those Hannibal Lecter Straitjacket Things With The Muzzle

A serious situation is currently unfolding in Mrs. Shaffer’s algebra 1 class, and as more details emerge, it’s becoming pretty tough to view the whole thing as anything other than a massive overreaction: Jacob farted during math and the Marines immediately busted in to wheel him out of the classroom in one of those Hannibal Lecter straitjackets with the muzzle and everything.

Damn. If all the kid did was fart, the whole thing definitely feels kind of extreme.


Everything was business as usual in Mrs. Shaffer’s math class this afternoon until Jacob let loose a small, but audible fart as he bent down from his chair to grab something from his backpack. Before the mortified student could even move his sneakers around on the floor to make people think maybe the fart sound was actually just a shoe-scuffing sound, and before his classmates could even register the noise enough to laugh at the innocent mistake, several armed Marines were already bursting through the classroom windows, sending shards of glass flying all over the shocked and screaming students whose desks sat along the wall as they repelled down to the floor.

“Move, move, move!” roared a Marine who’d somersaulted toward the teacher’s desk and begun scanning his semi-automatic weapon across the room of shrieking children just as a battering ram pulverized the classroom door in a single blow, making way for a dozen more battle-ready Marines to pile inside and establish a 360-degree perimeter. “Snatch that farting little motherfucker and go!”

The special ops soldiers reportedly wasted no time in tackling Jacob clean out of his chair, pinning him to the floor and repeatedly tasing his neck and ribs until he was rendered completely defenseless, all while the rest of the terrorized class watched on in total horror. It was then that a writhing and wriggling Jacob, who had only moments earlier let his tight, creaky fart pass, was picked up off the classroom floor in a headlock while five or six Marines wrestled his squirming arms and legs into one of those insane-looking straitjacket things that they put Hannibal Lecter in in Silence Of The Lambs, with one of those crazy muzzles and everything!

It definitely doesn’t seem fair that Jacob’s punishment for farting just one time is to be wheeled out of the room in a full-body restraint as he loudly begs for help that will never come. Last anyone saw of Jacob, he was being loaded onto an Apache helicopter that lifted off from the school parking lot and disappeared over the horizon.


Poor kid. No matter how you look at it, it feels like everyone went a bit overboard on this one. For someone who did nothing but rip one little fart, Jacob’s really been through a major ordeal. Here’s to hoping that Mrs. Shaffer’s algebra class can get back on track after this whole mess, and that Jacob is eventually released from the black site where he’s being detained sometime soon!

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