When a child goes missing, it’s important to spread the word as quickly as possible, but in this case, things may have gone a bit too far: This Amber Alert probably didn’t need to mention that the missing kid’s nickname at school is “Big Lord Beefcake.”
Poor kid. Was it really necessary to broadcast that information to the entire county?
According to the alert, which went out earlier this morning, missing 8-year-old Lucas O’Neil is approximately 4 feet, 5 inches with green eyes, black hair, and is known to answer to the nicknames “Big Lord Beefcake,” and sometimes “The King Of Pork,” when he’s at school, which honestly seem like pretty unnecessary details to add to an urgent text message sent out to pretty much every cell phone in northern Wisconsin. Sure, these characteristics could theoretically help track Lucas down, but including that he was “last seen wearing a shirt with huge mustard stains all over it” and that “his classmates say he has a very distinct hamlike smell” mostly just feels like adding insult to injury.
At the end of the day, if someone ends up finding Lucas by asking him, “Are you Big Lord Beefcake?” then great, but you’ve got to admit that that’s pretty unlikely, and now that nickname is just kind of out there whether this poor kid likes it or not.
This is definitely a heartbreaking situation, but we’re hoping Big Lord Beefcake gets home soon, even though this Amber Alert is probably the most humiliating thing to ever happen to him, and everyone at his school will probably taunt him mercilessly about it for years to come.