In a deeply ominous development earlier today, the U.S. Department of Agriculture made the official decision to print Gene Hackman’s nutritional information on his forehead.
Gene Hackman was spotted outside his Santa Fe home with his full caloric information printed clearly and prominently directly above his eyebrows. Hackman reportedly contains 80,000 calories and a balanced set of vitamins and minerals, which has now been eerily broadcast by the agency responsible for regulating the diets of every American.
“We at the USDA would like all Americans to consider the fact that movie star Gene Hackman contains 18 grams of protein per serving, and that protein is an essential nutrient for anyone’s diet. Thank you,” said Dr. Elise Bachman, a lead regulator at the USDA, during a sinister press conference in which Mr. Hackman was described multiple times as “more nutritious than fruit.” “Also, please keep in mind that Gene Hackman is currently ripe and in full bloom, and he’ll never be more delicious than he is right at this moment. If you wait too long, Gene Hackman won’t taste as good. No more questions.”
Yikes. It’s a real shame that the USDA has decided to classify Gene Hackman as such an important part of a balanced diet. Best of luck, Gene. Things are definitely not looking good for you.