Illustration for article titled Next Time You See An Old Person Alone At A Restaurant, Know That It Would Mean The World To Them If You Ate Them Out Right There Under The Tableem/em

The sight of an elderly person eating by themselves in public can be simply heartbreaking. It’s often a stark reminder that as we grow older, we lose the ones we love and face deep, painful loneliness. Social isolation is a growing epidemic for senior citizens in America, but it doesn’t have to be. Even the smallest gesture can go a long way, so the next time you see an old person alone at a restaurant, know that it would mean the world to them if you ate them out right there under the table.

Your time is the greatest gift you can give. Taking just five minutes out of your day to go down on an elderly person could make their entire week.


Imagine this: You’re in your 70s, widowed, and have fallen out of touch with close friends. Your days are spent quietly watching TV, hoping for visitors at your retirement home, and having meals alone. When you witness an elderly person eating in public by themselves, that’s likely their everyday reality. All it would take for someone to break that senior’s crushing solitude is to approach them with a smile, shake their hand, get down on all fours, crawl under their table, and engage them in a friendly bout of oral sex. It may not seem like much, but 30 minutes of genital motor-boating is all it takes to remind a senior citizen that they’re valued, visible members of our society.

You’ll know by the twinkle in their eye when you finally lift your head out of their crotch that you’ve made a lasting difference in their lives.


Letting an old person fuck your face can be an incredibly rewarding act of kindness, and there’s absolutely no reason to be anxious about it. Sure, you grew up in a totally different time period, but that doesn’t mean it’s impossible to have stimulating fellatio or cunnilingus with a senior. They’re a person like anyone else. Treat them to the same deep-throating and tonguing techniques that you would someone of your own generation, and you’ll find it’s easier than you’d expect to give senior citizens a hummer that results in a full-body explosion of pleasure.

In fact, a lot of young people today would be pleasantly surprised at how eager elderly people are to flip you upside down in the restaurant booth and reciprocate. Who knows? They very well might offer you a bit of sage, time-honored wisdom about eating pussy and sucking a penis.


So, the next time you find yourself dining out near an elder who has no one to keep them company, put yourself in their shoes for a moment, and consider the difference you can make. Loneliness can be particularly unbearable around the holiday season, so at this time of year it’s more meaningful than ever when you start blowing seniors underneath a table at McDonald’s. From my own personal experience, I can safely say it will be a bright spot in their lives that they’ll never forget.

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