Not ready to feel old? Well then, we have good news, because we’re not telling you which baby from which movie is now old enough to drive a car to keep you from tumbling down an existential rabbit hole about how time is a slow march toward death!

Enjoy not feeling the years slipping through your fingers like sand, because you have no way of knowing which infant is all grown up and behind the wheel!

You saw and LOVED this classic movie long ago, back when this famous baby turning 16 seemed like an eternity away, more than enough time for you to get that job you wanted and travel to all those countries you marked on the old map hanging on your bedroom wall. Well, that baby is now vehicle-legal, and if we irresponsibly told you the movie, you’d realize how much time had passed since your youth, when life seemed so full of possibility, and you would sink into a deep depression about how you squandered all those good years. And for what?

Tragically, we ourselves know the identity of the cinema baby who can now drive, and we feel old. We feel gray and withered, because the baby that seemed like yesterday is in fact the baby of distant past. We’re not ready to feel old, but we feel old, and that is our cross to bear. We shall keep you from our horrid fate until our dying breath.

Rejoice in your ignorance. Your mind is untroubled by the thought of the movie baby now being a driving adult, and you feel as young and spry as ever. As long as we are able, we vow to protect your fragile psyche from the horrors of the baby who time transformed into an automobile owner, and when this long-ago baby turns 21, we will not post him or her partying up with their young friends in Vegas. This we solemnly swear.

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You’re welcome.