Let me start this off by saying I am incredibly grateful to SEAL Team 6 and everyone involved in the military operation that ended in the death of Osama bin Laden, one of America’s greatest enemies. Obviously, this was a triumphant moment in the history of our nation and an important way of getting a small bit of closure for the lives senselessly lost on the day of the Sept. 11 attacks. That being said, I would also like to let it be known that if SEAL Team 6 isn’t using the porn that they recovered from Osama bin Laden’s compound, I’d be happy to take it off their hands.

Finders keepers and everything, but if SEAL Team 6 is totally done with bin Laden’s porn now and it’s just taking up space on some government server or in a closet somewhere, I would actually be pretty willing to take it on free of charge.

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Again, I totally understand if the answer is no. SEAL Team 6 obviously has first dibs on Osama bin Laden’s extensive collection of pornography, and if they are currently using it for some top-secret mission I am unaware of, or if they are simply still enjoying that hard-earned erotica after work every day, I absolutely support that, and I would not dream of asking them to stop. But if they’re not using it, I really would like to take a look at it. I love pornography of all kinds, and I think I’d really enjoy watching the smut that SEAL Team 6 lifted off bin Laden in the Abbottabad Raid. If everyone’s okay with it, I’d be more than happy to accept all that porn as a gift.

I promise that I’ll take really good care of Osama bin Laden’s porn, and I promise that I’ll watch it all the time. It would not go to waste. I’d use Osama bin Laden’s porn to masturbate and have a good time every day. SEAL Team 6 would not regret giving all bin Laden’s porn to me.

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That being said, I do understand and respect the fact that this porn was initially the property of Mr. Osama bin Laden, and if he had specific intentions for his illustrious collection of adult entertainment following his death, those wishes must be observed. I will, of course, allow the porn to pass to the appropriate people, no questions asked. I would love to have the porn, but I am not going to stand in the way of a dead man’s wishes.

For example, if Osama bin Laden’s will stipulates that his porn should be passed on to his wife or children, then I’m totally fine with them getting all of his porn. The kids can watch the porn, the wife can watch the porn, whatever Osama bin Laden wants. However, if the former Al-Qaeda leader never specified who should inherit his porn, and if SEAL Team 6 doesn’t need it for anything, then please give it to me.

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I will, of course, respect whatever decision is made regarding the ownership of Osama bin Laden’s incredible library of porn. And again, if anyone on SEAL Team 6 is still using it, even if it’s just to masturbate and have a good time, by all means, keep it and forget I said anything. Nobody worked harder for that porn than the brave members of SEAL Team 6. But I also think that I’ve made a pretty compelling argument on behalf of me getting some or all of the porn, and it would no doubt be an exciting new chapter in American history if that porn came to my house, where I could watch it all of the time and take good care of it.

SEAL Team 6, you know where to find me.

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