There’s no way one person can drive dolphins to extinction on their own, but if we all pitch in and do little things here and there to help, together we can create a future where our oceans are dolphin-free.
1. Dump your garbage into the ocean.
Don’t just let your garbage go to waste; use it to make a difference! By throwing all of your trash into the ocean, you can help pollute the dolphins’ natural habitat beyond a livable threshold, hastening the demise of cetacean species. Though dumping your trash in the ocean isn’t as convenient as simply leaving it at the curb, putting in this little bit of extra effort can result in some seriously big change! Oh, and be sure to cut your garbage bags open first so that trash like soda rings, metal wire, and plastic packaging can float freely in the water, making it easier for dolphins to become fatally entangled.
2. Let your money talk.
Money speaks louder than words, so use your money to say “No more dolphins!” But how? One way is to refuse to buy dolphin-safe tuna. Another is to only buy gas from companies that engage in deep-sea drilling. Try investing in waterfront developments and other marine construction projects that obstruct dolphins’ migratory pathways. And lastly, be sure to frequent aquariums and amusement parks with captive dolphin programs, which, as we’ve learned from documentaries like Blackfish, are doing some seriously amazing work when it comes to harming dolphins.
3. Empower dolphins’ natural enemies.
Support conservation programs that work to protect dolphins’ No. 1 natural enemies: killer whales and large predatory sharks. These majestic creatures are expert hunters that prey on sick and newborn dolphins in highly organized groups, and by helping their numbers flourish we can ensure that dolphins are eradicated at a greater rate than ever before.
4. Edit the dolphin Wikipedia page to make it seem like dolphins did the Oklahoma City bombing.
Positive portrayals of dolphins in television and film have deluded millions of people into believing that dolphins are likable creatures, and it’s up to us to use the power of education to flip public perception and recast dolphins as villains of the sea. Try editing the Wikipedia page for dolphins in ways that will turn the public against them, such as implicating them as the perpetrators of the Oklahoma City bombing or claiming that the evolutionary purpose of their blowholes is to store child pornography. By leading people to believe that dolphins are pedophiles or underwater terrorists responsible for the deaths of hundreds of hardworking Americans, we can create the public momentum necessary to wipe these aquatic mammals off the face of the Earth for good.
5. Go boating!
Heavy traffic from recreational watercrafts not only makes life a noisy nightmare for dolphins, but it also contributes tons of deadly pollution to their habitats. So whether you’ve got a speedboat, fishing trawler, or Jet Ski, go for a joyride whenever you get the chance and do your part toward devastating your local dolphin population. And, hey, if you happen to see some dolphins playing in the waves, make a beeline toward the front of the pod and mow through ’em like bowling pins. Thump, thump, thump!
6. Call, write, and email Japanese government representatives and tell them to keep up the good work.
The Japanese kill more than 22,000 dolphins every year for food and sport, but sadly, mounting pressure from international animal rights groups is causing many people in the island nation to reconsider this glorious national pastime. So now more than ever, it is crucial to make your voice heard and let the Japanese know that you support the highly efficient mass slaughter of dolphins by their citizens. If enough people reach out to Japanese consulates and politicians and tell them they’re doing a fantastic job, this will encourage them to keep up the good work and continue implementing the systematic genocide of dolphin species in Pacific waters.
7. Commit to slaughtering one dolphin a day.
Find 15 minutes every day that you would’ve otherwise wasted scrolling through social media or binge-watching Netflix, and use that time for something good. Fifteen minutes is all it takes to go out in the ocean on a Jet Ski, scare a young dolphin into the shallows, and bludgeon it to death with a hammer or brick. It’s so easy! While one person killing one dolphin a day might not seem like much, if thousands of people can commit to doing this simple little task every day, then together we can drive dolphins to extinction once and for all. So get out there! Be the change you want to see in the world so that your children and grandchildren can grow up on a planet where dolphins are a thing of the past.
8. Stand atop the bow of a boat and drunkenly fire a tommy gun into the ocean.
Do this for long enough and you’re bound to smoke a dolphin or two. And even if you don’t hit any dolphins, you’ll at very least kill a whole lot of fish, thus helping to deplete dolphins’ primary food source. It’s a win-win!