Illustration for article titled Heartwarming: This Awesome Charity Pairs Old Hags With Naughty Children Who’d Taste Delicious In A Stew

If you needed some real feel-good news today, here’s an amazing story about a new program that’s helping people across the country make meaningful connections: This awesome charity pairs old hags with naughty children who’d taste delicious in a stew.

It’s so beautiful to see people connecting with each other!

The sad fact is that thousands of ancient crones have a hard time finding misbehaving children to put in their stews, and thousands of kids have no one to boil them with onions and carrots if they refuse to do their chores. But thankfully, those days are coming to an end through the efforts of an incredible new program called HagMatch. Once users are enrolled in the completely free service, HagMatch uses a custom algorithm to successfully pair hungry old hags with unruly young lads and lasses, and now countless iron cauldrons that would have gone empty are bubbling with a sumptuous, savory stew filled with newts and rats and children who did not obey their fathers!

It used to be that hags had to waft the smell of fresh-baked shortbread through the woods or leave trails of gumdrops leading back to their house to find bad children to eat, but now HagMatch has made it simple for everyone to make the connections they need.

You love to see a charity that helps bring people together like this!

“I had resigned myself to spending the rest of my life with an empty stomach, but within two days of signing up for HagMatch, they found me a fat little woodcutter’s daughter who had carelessly ruined her mother’s best rolling pin by using it to hit rocks,” said Brunhilda Newtbranch, an evil old witch of the swamps and one of HagMatch’s earliest success stories. “I’ve been feeding her jam and buttercakes to fatten her up even more, and I can already tell that the stew I make with her will be one of the richest, tastiest meals I’ve ever made out of a rude child who doesn’t do what they’re told. Every time I see her suspended there in the locked cage that hangs from my kitchen ceiling, tearfully apologizing for breaking the rules, I remember how lucky I am that HagMatch was able to change my life like this.”

No doubt about it, this is a truly awesome idea. Kudos to HagMatch for everything they’ve done to make the world a more connected place!


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