Illustration for article titled Good Call: The Makers Of Cap’n Crunch Have Announced That If The Cap’n Ever Lapses Into A Coma They Would Take Him Off Life Support Immediately

If you’re a fan of Cap’n Crunch cereal, here’s some exciting news: The makers of Cap’n Crunch announced this morning that if Cap’n Crunch ever lapses into a coma, they would take him off life support immediately.


Wow! Sounds like a great plan!

Quaker Oats, the makers of Cap’n Crunch cereal, released the following statement earlier today:

“We at Quaker Oats have some wonderful news that we would like to share with you. Today, we decided that if Cap’n Crunch, the mascot of the worst cereal we make, ever became comatose, we would order the doctors to take him off of life support right away. Cap’n Crunch contributes basically nothing to the world, and he is not worth the time and money it would take to keep him alive. Our company could easily afford to keep him on life support indefinitely, but we wouldn’t want to. Even if the doctors told us they could eventually save Cap’n Crunch, we would ask them to just go ahead and turn off his respirator and yank out his breathing tube because our company believes that just letting him die is the most efficient business decision.”

Ever since sending out this message, Quaker Oats has received an outpouring of support from people all over the globe who agree that Cap’n Crunch does not deserve to be kept on life support considering that all he does is sail around on a cereal boat turning children into cartoons, which is not a service that the world needs.

Encouraged by all the positive feedback, Quaker Oats followed up their original message with a second statement a few hours later:

“There are many reasons why Cap’n Crunch could lapse into a coma. He could be in a terrible sailing accident because he does not know how to steer his cereal ship or he could get a disease from drinking contaminated water. Cap’n Crunch only drinks water exclusively from the highly polluted Hudson River in New York. He gets buckets of toxic Hudson water delivered to his house on a daily basis, and it will probably give him a life-threatening disease that causes him to fall into a vegetative state. When that happens, our CEO will personally rip the feeding tube out of Cap’n Crunch’s mouth. Goodbye.”



Other companies take note: This is how you run a business. Kudos to Quaker Oats for keeping their priorities straight and making the responsible decision not to waste time and resources just to prolong the meaningless life of a piece of shit like Cap’n Crunch!


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