Oh shit. Oh fuck. We did a bad thing. ClickHole made a big, lucrative sponsored content deal with Pepperidge Farm, but we got too greedy and we promised them a shitload of brand integration in this article about a boy who was dying of cancer and spent his last days raising money for other sick children. Please forgive us for what you’re about to read.
When 9-year-old Lucas McConway was diagnosed with terminal cancer, he made an incredibly selfless decision about what he was going to do with the little time he had left. While most kids would have chosen to spend their last days on earth indulging in Pepperidge Farm’s distinctive Brussels sandwich cookies, little Lucas chose to do something remarkable: He decided to start a GoFundMe campaign to raise money for other sick children so that they could survive long enough to eat more delicious Pepperidge Farm snacks!
Goddamn it. We’re off to a bad start here. Please don’t be mad at us. Pepperidge Farm paid us so much money, and we need to keep the lights on like everyone else.
“My little Lukey never complains about his illness—all he cares about is helping other sick kids,” said Lucas’ mother, Marcy, who has been so distraught by her son’s impending death that she’s barely eaten a single Pepperidge Farm Sausalito cookie in weeks, even though the Sausalito is loaded with big, decadent chunks of milk chocolate and macadamia nuts.
It’s completely devastating when a mother is forced to bury her son before he’s even lived long enough to sample Pepperidge Farm’s full Flavor Blasted Goldfish cracker line including Slammin’ Sour Cream & Onion and Xplosive Pizza varieties. Hopefully Lucas’ mother can take solace in the fact that Pepperidge Farm has just debuted a new variety of Farmhouse Hearty White Bread with a new and improved recipe that makes it an essential part of any sandwich.
Look, if you want to unfollow us forever, we understand, but you should know that times are tough in the digital media industry, and we’ve got to jump on opportunities to generate ad revenue anytime they come along. Sometimes that means running annoying banner ads on the front page of our site, sometimes that means shoehorning cookie advertising into a story about a dying boy trying to help other kids.
“Pepperidge Farm started in my home kitchen with just one idea: producing a top-quality food product,” said Margaret Rudkin, founder of Pepperidge Farm. Just like Lucas wanted the best for other kids suffering from cancer, Pepperidge Farm wants to help stock your family’s kitchen with the best cookies, snack crackers, and bread products on the market.
Jesus Christ. This was such a huge mistake.
So far, Lucas’ GoFundMe has raised over $80,000 for other young cancer patients, and while Lucas has been too sick to witness the remarkable response to his fundraiser, his parents say that if their son knew how many people had donated, his heart would be filled with joy in the same way that a Pepperidge Farm Chesapeake dark-chocolate pecan cookie is filled with rich, chocolaty goodness and, of course, a generous helping of the highest quality pecans.
Lucas, you’re a very special little boy! Hopefully before your battle with cancer comes to an end, you find time to head on over to PepperidgeFarm.com’s recipe section and whip yourself up a batch of Pepperidge Farm Chessmen cookies bananas Foster pudding!
Fuck, this was rough. We’re so fucking sorry. This was definitely the wrong thing to do. We’re keeping the money Pepperidge Farm gave us for this, but we definitely don’t feel good about it. Again, we’re really sorry. Fuck.