Illustration for article titled Fair And Balanced: 4 Ways In Which SpongeBob Is Sponge Goals And 4 Ways In Which He Is Not

In the interest of journalistic integrity, the following list will provide a balanced perspective on SpongeBob by enumerating four ways in which he is sponge goals and four ways in which he is not. We will begin with four ways in which SpongeBob is sponge goals: 

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1. Perfect yellow sponge color

SpongeBob’s body is a perfect shade of yellow that just about everybody knows is the classic color of a kitchen sponge, and there’s only one way to describe that: sponge goals! SpongeBob’s gorgeous coloring is one way in which he is 100% an awesome sponge through and through.

2. Always dressed to impress

If you were a sponge, wouldn’t you want to dress like SpongeBob? Bow tie, button-down, formal black shoes buffed to a high shine—if that isn’t aspirational sponge vibes, we don’t know what is. SpongeBob’s consistently impeccable outfit is sponge goals AF!

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3. Has a positive attitude

SpongeBob doesn’t let any kind of setback get him down! He’s always got a smile on his face, making him a role model for people and sponges everywhere. So awesome!

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4. Works at a restaurant

Yeah, not every sponge has a paying job as a fry cook at a burger restaurant...but SpongeBob does! King of the sponges? We think so.

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We hope it was informative to learn these ways in which SpongeBob is sponge goals. We will now present an opposing perspective with four ways he is not:

1. Is stupid

SpongeBob has to be one of the dumbest people of all time, and he basically doesn’t know shit about anything. Most of what he does is run around and squeal and get upset over really dumb shit like his boss, Mr. Krabs, being mad at him. Being a total idiot is absolutely not sponge goals. Major fail on SpongeBob’s part!

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2. Lives near Squidward

Squidward sucks and SpongeBob lives right next door to him—basically the opposite of sponge goals as far as we’re concerned. Having an old, sad neighbor is NOT it, and that is final. Sorry!

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3. Teeth look like shit

In the interest of fairness, it’s important that we point out that SpongeBob’s teeth look like absolute shit. Unless he manages to get some braces to fix his massive gap tooth, this is always going to be a major ding on his reputation as a sponge whose life is goals.

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4. Not politically active

We’ve never once seen SpongeBob get involved in a protest or demonstration or even head to the ballot box to cast his vote for a local politician. Pretty lame! Being politically apathetic isn’t goals for anybody, sponge or otherwise. Get it together and start standing for something, SpongeBob!

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