Illustration for article titled Efficiency Win: Heinz Has Eliminated All Their Executive Positions After Realizing All They Need Is A Couple Factory Guys To Make Ketchup

Here’s an absolute brilliant move by the biggest name in the condiment industry: Heinz has just eliminated all their executive positions after realizing all they need is a couple factory guys to make ketchup.


Makes sense. Smart thinking, Heinz!

The company made the announcement in a press release earlier today, saying that after over a century as the best-selling ketchup brand in the world, things pretty much run on autopilot at this point and there’s really no reason to keep bloated executive salaries on the payroll when the brand’s industry dominance faces no real competition. Noting that all they really need to maintain their market share is just a few guys at the production facility to make sure all the machines continue making ketchup, Heinz reasoned that having seven-figure C-level positions on payroll was basically pointless, as virtually everyone buys the company’s ketchup already, and if it ain’t broke, they might as well not risk having anyone try to fix it.

“It’s not like we’re successful because of amazing leadership or product innovation or anything like that—99.9% of our sales come from the fact that people just want to buy normal-ass ketchup to squirt on their food, and we’re the most normal-ass ketchup there is,” said the company in their statement, adding that consumers quite frankly don’t give a shit about ketchup, and no one’s walking down the condiment aisle thinking, “I’m looking for a new product to disrupt the ketchup experience.” “Why pay millions of dollars a year for VPs to manage our sales strategy when Heinz is already in pretty much every restaurant and home? The closest thing we have to a competitor is Hunt’s, and they don’t exactly have us shaking in our boots.”

“Heinz is the main ketchup, and that’s obviously never going to change,” the statement continued. “As long as we’ve got a few guys in a factory to hit the ‘START’ button on the ketchup machines and mail the bottles to stores, then we’re gonna keep making billions upon billions of dollars a year. It’s that easy.”


Heinz added that they’ve elected to retain their CEO, as “it’d be kind of weird if a company didn’t have a CEO,” but that they’ve otherwise parted ways with every executive on payroll. Following the layoffs, they say they’ve put a Post-it note on the factory floor that reads “Keep making ketchup,” which they’ve found is just as effective as an entire boardroom of executives and a hell of a lot cheaper.


Overall, this is pretty bulletproof logic on Heinz’s part, and you can’t blame them for making these moves. This decision will undoubtedly pay off for them for years and years to come. Nice work, Heinz!


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