Every year, Wikipedia admirably provides hundreds of millions of people free access to its articles, but the website still largely depends on donors to stay afloat. Earlier today, the online encyclopedia service issued a heartfelt plea for support to help keep their operations running: Wikipedia just posted an appeal asking for one night of physical intimacy from each of their users.
As of today, visitors to Wikipedia are being greeted by this brief, earnest message that pops up at the top of the page:
“We hate to ask, but we need a favor. Wikipedia has always depended on support from our readers, but over 99 percent of visitors to the site have never made a contribution to our mission, which is why we’re reaching out to you today to request a single evening of physical intimacy from each of our users. If everyone who uses Wikipedia pledged just one passion-filled night of giving and receiving pleasure with us, we’d have enough toe-curling orgasms to keep us running for a lifetime—but for that to happen, we need the people to make real commitments to caressing and licking every part of us while we moan and shiver with ecstasy. We know not everyone who uses our site will be able to give us an erotic scented-oil back massage as the rest of the world seems to just melt away, but if you can, we hope you’ll consider doing so to keep Wikipedia sexually satisfied for years to come. Thank you.”
Since posting the appeal, Wikipedia has added a counter to their landing page to show how many nights of physical companionship readers have pledged so far, and the featured article now links to an entry on what one-night stands with Wikipedia are generally like. The “Did You Know” section of the main page has also been updated with new facts about intimacy with Wikipedia, including tidbits like “the sweat generated from just 2 percent of our users engaging in a night of lovemaking with Wikipedia would be enough to fill the reflecting pool of the Taj Mahal” and “the versatility of the human vertebral column allows Wikipedia users to be either the big spoon or the little spoon during their single evening of passion with us.” They’ve even swapped out their classic logo for a new design of the Wikipedia globe in a steamy shower getting lathered up by a nondescript humanoid figure labeled “YOU.”
It looks like Wikipedia is really pulling out all the stops in their latest appeal to their users. While it’s definitely an uphill battle to convince users to open their legs for something they already get for free, here’s hoping Wikipedia is able to get the physical intimacy they need to stave off loneliness and keep things going for another few years.