Having trouble understanding the nuances of net neutrality regulation ever since that horse kicked you upside the head? That’s just fine—you relax and look out at the river, now. Look it how the light sparkles off it just right, and don’t you turn around to look at me now, you hear?


1. Network neutrality is a complicated topic with a lot of angles to consider, and there’s no sense in gettin’ yourself all in a twist over it. You ain’t been right since you got a hoof to the head, and the concept of internet infrastructure is beyond you. Just you hush and take a look at the water rolling along the bank. Isn’t that pretty?

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2. That’s right. Quit your frettin’ about the Federal Communications Commission and how it dances to the beat of big telecom’s drum. You might’ve been able to understand the idea of internet fast lanes back before your accident, but those days are over. Watch the wind blow those reeds from side to side—that right there is all you need to worry about.

3. Did our net neutrality laws allow for democratic access to the internet or prevent corporate competition that would make the industry thrive? That ain’t for you to decide, so don’t you pay those silly questions any mind. Can you hear the birds chirping? Listen close, now. There you go.

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4. You’ve got a straightforward nature about you ever since your mishap with that horse you were ridin’, and that ain’t your fault. And it ain’t your fault that your scrambled brain don’t know right from wrong no more. Yes, that’s me crying you’re hearing, but it don’t mean you have to turn around and look. I’m just emotional because this day is so pretty. Now here’s a photo of FCC chairman Ajit Pai, since you’ve been good sitting so calmly. Don’t let him get you all upset. Imagine he’s just another leaf drifting by. You’re gettin’ all tensed up—just relax.

5. All right, then. Even if internet access is going to slow down due to the repeal, it won’t happen just yet. So you just take a look at those turtles over there walking down the bank. Nothin’ much to understand there, is there? Just some turtles. You like turtles, don’t you? Yep, you like ’em just fine. Look at ’em go, walkin’ all around in their little shells. That’s nice. Now you keep your eyes on those turtles and this whole net neutrality issue will be just hunky dory. That noise that sounded like a metal click you just heard behind your ear is just one of them songbird calls. How beautiful they sound this time of year. Just keep looking at them turtles and stay very still. There you go. Good. You’re gonna be readin’ that explainer before you know it.

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