Here’s a developing situation that could take a turn for the worse at any second: Everyone is bracing themselves for total disaster after the reptile guy at this Westhaven Elementary School assembly made the mistake of handing a huge snake to the most straight-up insane kid in fifth grade.
Oh god. This is definitely not going to end well.
In all fairness, the professional animal handler from Reptiles! Reptiles! Reptiles! had no way of knowing that 10-year-old Aaron Bridges is basically a mini psychopath, but Aaron’s sharklike teeth, buzzed hair, and numerous Band-Aid-free scabs probably should have tipped him off before he casually passed over the enormous, fanged serpent that Aaron is now holding. Aaron once had his entire backpack confiscated and still managed to construct a sharp, anatomically correct penis out of 18 unfolded paper clips that same day, so the fact that this MacGyver of chaos now has full control of a literal python is nothing short of terrifying. In fact, Aaron’s teacher Mr. Kleinman has been white-knuckling his chair in the back of the cafeteria ever since Aaron was handed the snake—but all the little devil has done so far is make threatening eye contact with second-grader Martin Janiewicz, so there’s no real reason to punish him yet. Regardless, after the incident last month when Aaron hid his dad’s lighter in his lunchbox and tried to burn the word “ass” into a girls’ bathroom stall, there’s not a chance any of the adults in the room are letting their guard down.
What a mess. Aaron just announced that the snake’s name is now “Gaylord” and started laughing hysterically, so it seems like it’s only a matter of time before he thinks of some way to wreak havoc with his new reptilian friend. Here’s hoping the handler senses danger and takes the snake back ASAP, or else everyone is no doubt in for some kind of unimaginable horror.