Illustration for article titled Bold New Policy: The EPA Just Announced That If Squirrels Can’t Hack It, They Don’t Deserve Our Protection

It looks like the government is charting a bold new course in the never-ending fight to protect our environment. The Environmental Protection Agency just announced that if squirrels can’t hack it, they don’t deserve our protection.

EPA acting director Andrew Wheeler made the dramatic announcement at a press conference at the EPA headquarters, where he informed journalists that if squirrels can’t avoid extinction considering everything they’ve got going for them, then it’s not his department’s problem.


“There are millions and millions of squirrels in the United States, and they all spend their days in trees eating acorns, which is very plentiful food, so if they all start dying out, that’s entirely their own fault,” said Wheeler, adding that from that point forward, the EPA was washing its hands of the entire squirrel situation and would take no action to intervene if squirrels were in danger of extinction. “It’s extremely easy to be a squirrel, and the EPA refuses to waste valuable time and resources helping them if they’re too inept to survive on their own.”

Wow. The EPA definitely isn’t messing around with this bold new policy on squirrels. Let’s hope they can take care of themselves because it sounds like they won’t be getting any help from the government any time soon.


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