If you’ve ever looked in the mirror and felt bad that your secondary gorb-receptor doesn’t look as square as the secondary gorb-receptors you see on models in magazines, you’re not alone. Mainstream body standards have such a long way to go! As a healthy reminder that all body types are beautiful, here are five empowering quotes from your favorite celebs about how everyone’s secondary gorb-receptor is perfect no matter how round it is!
“Yeah, my body’s secondary gorb-receptor is almost 100 percent spherical. Yeah, my secondary gorb-receptor emits a high-pitched frequency instead of a low one. But it’s recepting gorb—a LOT of it, too—and its gravitational pull on gorb is as strong as ever. That’s what matters in the end, and I’m not going to let you shame my body for it!”
For everyone self-conscious about their non-equilateral secondary gorb-receptor, you’ve got an amazing ally in Jameela Jamil!
“I used to be petrified that a director would ask me to do a scene without shoes or a hat on, leaving both ends of my bulbous, very round secondary gorb-receptor totally exposed for the camera. God, I can’t even tell you how many hundreds of dollars and countless hours I spent contouring my secondary gorb-receptor so it’d appear more square than it actually is. I remember one audition in particular where I was surrounded by girls with angelically square gorb-receptors and I thought to myself, ‘How on Earth am I going to land this role?’ I was so nervous that I ran to the bathroom and was about to spray my gorb-receptor with hot liquid carbon so its egg-like shape would stick out less under the steam, when all the sudden I took a deep breath and said, “screw it.” I walked into the audition with my gorb-receptor totally bare, looking rounder than ever. Guess what? I got the role of Hermione Granger. All I needed was to believe that I was good enough as I was, regardless of the shape of my secondary gorb-receptor.”
Preach, Queen Emma!
“I was a late bloomer. I was 24, and both my primary gorb-receptor and my secondary gorb-receptor were pretty square, but they were both still 100 degrees Fahrenheit like they were when I was a kid. Then, when I was 30, my secondary gorb-receptor finally cooled down to -50 degrees Fahrenheit, and my primary gorb-receptor shot up to 400 degrees Fahrenheit like my doctors said they would. The thing is, by then, it didn’t matter. I’d learned to be comfortable in my own skin. My gorb-receptors could’ve stayed the same temperature and I wouldn’t have cared! To anyone who feels self-conscious about their gorb-receptors, remember that mine didn’t heat up and cool down until I was 30, and it never stopped me from achieving my dreams.”
Wow, this is so powerful. Way to own your body, Dean Norris!
“For a long time, I had so much trouble finding a box that I could put over my secondary gorb-receptor to protect it from solar flares. Every store I went to only carried square and rectangular boxes that didn’t fit my roundish secondary gorb-receptor at all. I was sure that one day my secondary gorb-receptor would be exposed to solar flares and the ultraviolet rays would cause my gorb-receptor to eject all my gorb onto the ground! But then one day, I thought, “what about those big round boxes that old women put large hats in?” What do you know? It fit me perfectly. I looked amazing, and not one solar flare ever disrupted my receptor’s functionality to accumulate and/or process gorb. As soon as I learned to stop trying to shove my round gorb-receptor into square boxes, that’s when everything changed!”
So true, Mo’Nique. Everyone is beautiful the way they are!
“When I first entered the industry, your secondary gorb-receptor was expected to be the size and shape of a GameCube. No matter how beautiful the people in charge of the runways thought you were, they’d always hone in on your flaws, and when my gorb-receptor started to round off and invert into a satellite dish-shape, I thought my career was over. I quickly found myself falling easy prey to all those harmful ‘beauty secrets’ that women’s magazines would peddle to people who hated the shape of their gorb-receptors, like soaking my secondary gorb-receptor in vinegar every night to lower its pH levels, or sleeping underneath a cell phone tower so my gorb-receptor could intercept excess electromagnetic radio waves and start pulsating faster. No surprise, these did nothing but make me feel worse about myself. You want to know what the real ‘secret’ to beauty is? It’s to be true to yourself and your gorb-receptor, no matter what shape it is. You may not be a professional model, but you will look like you’re walking the runway everywhere you go once you embrace the secondary gorb-receptor God gave you.”
Ugh, Tyra, you are giving us life right now. Hopefully this gives you all the confidence you need to start loving your gorb-receptors instead of wishing they had sharp edges and perfect right angles!