Illustration for article titled Big-Dicked King Of The Skies: This Man Just Picked Up Some Rolos And A Mango Naked Juice From The Airport’s CNBC Store

Make way, because a bona fide legend is currently walking the halls of the Los Angeles International Airport. That’s right, this man just picked up a pack of Rolos and a mango Naked Juice from the airport’s CNBC store like a fucking rock star, and he is now officially the Big-Dicked King of the Skies.

Oh, shit. With an $11 juice in one hand and a $5 pack of candy in the other, this well-endowed badass is clearly running the airport.


It was barely 9:14 this morning when this veritable sultan of LAX rolled his blue Samsonite suitcase into the CNBC store near gate B5. As if his purchase of Rolos and mango Naked Juice didn’t scream “high life” loud enough, the hedonistic God-King of Terminal 2 also paid $9 for an old GQ with Harry Connick Jr. on the cover, which is just further proof that he’s the most badass traveler in all of gate B and is no doubt sporting the most massive cock in America.

This is the kind of guy who has the huge balls necessary to just leave his bags sitting outside while he uses the airport bathroom, as if he doesn’t even give a shit if they get stolen. Heads could be seen turning all the way down the moving walkway when he strutted up to a Wolfgang Puck Express moments ago and confidently asked for a “menu to go.”


It’s honestly surprising that this guy has a suitcase with him, because he’s walking around with a penis so massive you’d think it would count as his carry-on.

It’s safe to say that the flight attendants better have their credit card machine ready, because this horse-dicked crown prince of flight 3872 is without a doubt buying a small bottle of Tito’s Vodka within minutes of takeoff. This guy lives the Economy Plus lifestyle in everything he does, and he pulls it off absolutely flawlessly. Bow down to him as he walks past, because he is the Rolo-chomping, Naked Juice-chugging Pharaoh of the Clouds, and all fellow travelers must give him their undying honor and devotion.


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