Prepare to have your faith in humanity restored, because one of our country’s most generous nonprofits is doing something truly amazing for the less fortunate: Habitat for Humanity just committed to building 5,000 haunted houses in America’s poorest regions just in time for Halloween.
Beautiful! It’s great to see people recognizing spooktacular thrills and chills as an essential human right.
For millions of Americans, poverty means going without basic necessities that the rest of us take for granted, but Habitat for Humanity just vowed to give these people the bone-chilling Halloween scares they deserve by constructing 5,000 new haunted houses in the country’s most underprivileged communities by the end of the month. In an announcement this morning, Habitat detailed its ambitious plan to mobilize several hundred teams of volunteers and professional builders to construct haunted houses fully equipped with eerie, winding corridors, ambience-enhancing fog machines, and no fewer than 10 jump-scares per location. Even with volunteer labor, the endeavor will cost in the tens of millions of dollars, but considering how many needy Americans will finally have somewhere they can go to be spooked by cackling skeletons and howled at by an actor in a wolfman costume, those millions will be money well spent.
“From cauldrons full of dry ice to gurneys strewn with hyper-realistic guts, these haunted houses will have all the amenities necessary to provide heart-pounding horror to the Americans who need it most,” said Habitat for Humanity CEO Jonathan Reckford in a press statement. “One in five Americans don’t know where their next Halloween frightfest will come from, and it’s important that we do everything we can to change that.”
The effort is also getting a helping hand from former U.S. President and longtime Habitat proponent Jimmy Carter, who has personally recorded an hour-long ambient track featuring sound effects of dragging chains, creaking doors, and hair-raising shrieks to be played on loop over the loudspeakers at the haunted houses. Habitat is even going so far as to truck in fresh groceries to the haunted houses being built in food deserts to ensure that food-insecure neighborhoods will have the pasta and peeled grapes necessary to display bowls full of monster brains and eyeballs.
It warms your heart to see so many people taking time out of their busy schedules to build haunted houses for those in need. Bravo, Habitat for Humanity! Your amazing work here will change millions of people’s Halloweens for the better.