It’s a dangerous world out there, but one intrepid educator is going around the country to make sure our nation’s youth enter that world prepared: This man with a top hat and twisty mustache is visiting schools to warn students about the dangers of piloting hot air balloons while under the influence of Dr. Fixit’s Vigor-Inducing Delousing Tonic And Quaffable Cure-All.
This is something that every young person needs to hear!
For the last few years, Professor Silas T. Turlington has been taking his technicolor stagecoach to schools all across America to tell kids that while Dr. Fixit’s Vigor-Inducing Delousing Tonic And Quaffable Cure-All can grant a giant’s strength to the frailest weakling and give the balding man hair so thick it’ll snap his comb, it should never, under any circumstances, be taken before operating a hot air balloon. Bounding across the stage in his top hat, monocle, and powder-blue tailcoat, Turlington doesn’t pull any punches describing just how dangerous hot air ballooning while under the influence of Dr. Fixit’s potent elixir can be, his plump and ruddy cheeks draining of all color as he recounts how a man whose bad breath and lifelong case of Portugal Toe were miraculously cured by Dr. Fixit’s tragically died only minutes later by slamming his hot air balloon into a windmill.
For many students, these visits are the only opportunity they’ll have to learn first-hand that Dr. Fixit’s proprietary blend of hedge nettle, alderman’s wort, and mercury can impair ballooning ability just as quickly as it can regrow lost teeth and render skin impervious to snakebite. Turlington lays out clearly and concisely for these kids how the ancient Chinese medicine man who taught Dr. Fixit the arcane recipe for the Quaffable Cure-All warned that though it may enhance virility and beautify one’s singing voice, the tonic will also invoke such a stupor that piloting a hot air balloon through the clouds becomes a treacherous dance with Death himself.
“Ladies and gentlemen, I tell you today that while other liniments and tinctures pack no more medicinal wallop than a spoonful of a hog’s bathwater, it is only Dr. Fixit’s Vigor-Inducing Delousing Tonic And Quaffable Cure-All that will leave you so positively brimming with get-up-and-go that you will be unable to operate a hot air balloon without imperiling yourself and others!” said Turlington to a crowd of students at a recent presentation in Oklahoma. “Whether you suffer from lockjaw, bowleggedness, female ailments, fur trapper’s grippe, dull hair, blindness, or simply wish for general fortification of the nerves and strengthening of the musculature, Dr. Fixit’s is the fine American remedy for you unless you plan on immediately piloting a hot air balloon!”
These students will definitely think twice about mixing Dr. Fixit’s Vigor-Inducing Delousing Tonic And Quaffable Cure-All and hot air ballooning after seeing that!
It’s awesome to see someone so dedicated to keeping people safe. Here’s hoping that more schools book Professor Turlington for a presentation so he can keep getting the word out about the dangers of combining Dr. Fixit’s Vigor-Inducing Delousing Tonic And Quaffable Cure-All with hot air ballooning. His solemn warning may end up saving young lives all across the country!
