Buckle up, because this is a pretty shitty situation that’s probably going to ruin your morning: The friend you’re meeting for brunch wants to eat at some place called “Pantry & Ladle,” and with a name like that it’s most likely going to be expensive as hell.

Fuck. It’s too late to cancel, so you’d better get used to the idea of ponying up a fortune for a fancy-ass omelet, and fast.

It’s pretty clear from the name that Pantry & Ladle is going to be the kind of restaurant where the waiter asks if you’ve dined with them before as if there’s some kind of syllabus you need to be familiar with, then tells you the name of the local organic farm where they get all the premium-ass, top-shelf vegetables you’re about to go into bankruptcy for. The salt shakers on the reclaimed wood tables are no doubt filled with that pink Himalayan kind of salt that costs, like, a million dollars an ounce, but Pantry & Ladle can afford to give it out for free because they know you’re spending even more on their delicious and financially ruinous meals. You’ve really boned your bank account by making plans with a friend rich enough to casually grab brunch at a restaurant with a fucking ampersand in the name, and Pantry & Ladle is no doubt going to reap the profits.

The coffee is definitely going to be fair trade, and you can bet your ass there won’t be free refills. This meal is really going to set you back.

For chrissakes, the menu is probably titled “Today’s Offerings” and filled with hens raised by actual Amish people and prize-winning English cheddars aged in real caves. Each entrée listed most likely includes a description of the culinary journey the chef took to devise it, and the prices definitely don’t have decimal points, because they’re rounding that shit up to the nearest dollar.

Advertisement

Sure, you could try to limit yourself to something cheap like a bowl of oatmeal with shaved almonds, but even that will probably still cost a shitload and leave you hungry. You might as well fall on your sword and order something you actually want like the cardamom-infused pancakes instead of nibbling a Greek yogurt bowl like a pauper while your friend knocks back $12 mimosas.

Screw it, guess it’s time to bite the bullet and go into debt for some sweet potato home fries. Fucking goddamn Pantry & Ladle. Pantry & Ladle! Fuck.