A groundbreaking study was published today that will forever alter the way Christians and non-believers alike think about the historical Jesus Christ. Biblical scholars have discovered that Christ’s eyes were much lower on his face than previously believed!

Wow. What an amazing discovery about the man who would found one of the world’s most influential religions.

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“After years of research, we can conclusively state that Jesus Christ’s eyes were a full three inches lower on his face than previous church doctrine suggested,” announced Dr. Michelle Casey at the Northwestern School of Theology, in which she cited copious evidence across several fields, including biblical exegesis and careful analysis of Ancient Roman documents, which all suggest that Jesus Christ’s eyes were roughly level with his chin. “While the world may continue to debate whether or not Christ was truly the Messiah, there is no disputing that his eyes were a few inches below his mouth and he was probably able to lick his own eyes if he wanted to.”

Dr. Casey says that the key piece of evidence in the watershed study is this stunning, recently unearthed depiction of Jesus Christ found at the grave of early Christian cultists in Rome, which clearly shows Christ’s eyes below his nose and just barely above his mouth.

This discovery has already had widespread ramifications. The Vatican has begun destroying all of its paintings and sculptures depicting Christ with regular eyes and is making plans to replace them with accurate representations in which the Messiah’s eyes are located below his lips. No doubt other Christian institutions will soon follow suit. It’s safe to say that the world’s understanding of Jesus Christ will never be the same!

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