The Trump administration has always played fast and loose with standard vetting procedures for Oval Office personnel, but an incident this morning proved just how disastrous the consequences of Trump’s disregard for basic protocol can be: Earlier today, the White House reportedly granted Cousin Itt full security clearance and he immediately ran off with the nuclear briefcase.
Whoa. This is not okay.
According to reports, the White House Personnel Security Office had originally denied clearance to Cousin Itt, citing numerous concerns including “vulnerability to foreign influence, connections to the notorious Addams Family, and sexual misconduct,” only for their decision to be personally overruled by President Trump in spite of repeated warnings. Inside sources allege that just minutes after Cousin Itt’s application was officially approved, he burst into the Oval Office, yanked the briefcase containing launch codes for America’s nuclear arsenal—commonly known as the “nuclear football”—away from the military aide charged with protecting it, and ran out of sight with it into the streets of D.C. The Secret Service and FBI immediately launched a large-scale manhunt, and soon after, a long-haired suspect believed to be Cousin Itt was neutralized by gunfire only to then be identified as a Yorkshire terrier. As of press time, Cousin Itt remains at large.
This incident is only more infuriating considering how preventable it was. Cousin Itt reportedly failed to meet even the most basic standards necessary for top-secret clearance under White House protocol, and his interview with Personnel officials was rife was with red flags including not providing any form of personal identification, refusing to remove his bowler hat or sunglasses to take a photo for his security badge, and insisting he enter the building through the chimney. Any other administration would have immediately recognized Cousin Itt as wholly unfit for access to sensitive intelligence, but Trump simply waved off officials’ concerns and demanded that “Cousin Itt, my longtime friend—and a great man with total loyalty!—be granted the highest level of security clearance.”
Unsurprisingly, Trump’s press team is already trying to spin this PR disaster into a success, asserting that our nation’s nuclear codes are safer than ever before in Cousin Itt’s hands, and that if Cousin Itt launches a nuclear attack, President Trump completely trusts his judgement.
What an absolutely disgraceful situation. People’s lives are now at risk because our nation’s top officials think the law doesn’t apply to their personal associates.
If you weren’t questioning this administration’s integrity before, you must be now in light of this incredibly alarming incident. Let’s hope President Trump gets his act together and starts taking vetting seriously because it is completely unacceptable for the leader of the free world to behave this recklessly.