My boy got on the roof, and now he can’t get down, so I’ve been thinking up some ways to fetch him. Now, listen, these ideas aren’t perfect, they’re gonna need some work, no doubt about it, I just figure they could be a good jumping-off point is all. When you gotta get your kid off the roof, you gotta start somewhere, so here are a few half ideas for getting him down.


1. Use a hose somehow

While I was spraying water up at my son to make sure he stayed hydrated as I figured a way to get him off the roof, I thought up the rough outline of a plan that I’m now calling The Hose Idea. Here’s what I’m thinking: I toss a hose up to my kid and then have him tie himself to one end of the hose—securely. Okay, that’s all I have for The Hose Idea as of now. I’ve definitely got to flesh out the details of The Hose Idea, for sure, but whatever it ends up becoming, the hose will play a fairly key role in that operation.

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2. Put his enemy on the roof

The name of the game? Incentive. The incentive for my son to get off the roof? Get away from his enemy. My son’s always talking crap about this kid in his class named Dirty Neck Benjamin. The kid’s rude as hell, and to hear my son tell it, his neck is absolutely filthy. All I know for sure is that my son detests him. Once I find that Ben with the dirty neck and find a way to get him on the roof, my son will do anything to get off the roof just to get away from his enemy. Shit, now that I’m thinking about it, this one carries the risk of getting two boys stuck on my roof, and that’s the last thing I need right now. Hmm. I’ll keep this one on the table and let the kinks work themselves out once we set it in motion.

3. Borrow my neighbors’ above-ground pool so my son can simply (and safely) do a cannonball off the roof 

Haven’t really thought out the logistics of this one, but I still think this plan has got some major potential. Plus, I’ve always wanted an above-ground pool, and the neighbors hardly use theirs, so they probably won’t complain if I just drag it out of their yard into mine. If they try to stop me I’ll just kill them or try to reason with them or something. Haven’t thought it all the way through, honestly. Boy, they got one helluva nice pool over there. Wouldn’t it be nice to take a dip after a long day of getting my kid off the roof? I think it would. I can almost feel that cool water now. Anyway, I’m open to suggestions and tweaks on this idea if anyone’s got ’em.

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4. Another hose idea 

Okay, real quick while I’m throwing everything at the wall here, I just had another idea inspired by the hose: Somehow we use the hose as a zip line of sorts. You ever seen Die Hard? There’s a scene were Mr. Bruce Willis himself zip-lines to safety. Didn’t look too difficult when Bruce did it. My hose is probably long enough. Wait, maybe it wasn’t Die Hard. Maybe it was Tango & Cash. First step of this plan will be confirming what movie Bruce did the zip line thing in. I’ll use IMDb or I’ll call Bruce Willis on the phone and ask him or something. Either way, maybe I can toss the family portable DVD player onto the roof and show my kid that scene to give him an idea of what we’re going for here. Our roof is two stories tall, so that kind of communication is going to be very important no matter which of these nuggets of ideas we end up running with.

5. Hurl a few rakes up on the roof 

Got, like, three rakes in the shed out back, locked and ready to go if necessary. What my son could do with the rakes to get off the roof, I’m not sure yet, but it couldn’t hurt to toss them up there.

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6. Shake the house 

All right, look, now’s the time to throw every idea I have on the table, formed or not. You ever shake a tree to get a frisbee that’s stuck in its branches? Yeah, you see where I’m coming from. My house is pretty sturdy, though. I’ll need to round up some guys from around the block if we’re gonna shake my house enough to get my son to fall off the roof. I guess the main issue here is ruining my house, which we simply can’t let happen, because my son is going straight to his room after I get him off the roof (yeah, you can bet your ass he is grounded after putting me through this headache), and he won’t have a room to go to if we knock the house down from shaking it too hard. All I know is that I gotta figure out something soon. It’s getting dark out, and my son’s got school tomorrow. Can’t leave my son on the roof forever, so I’ve just got to pick one of these ideas and go for it.