Today marks an abrupt end to the six-year reign of perhaps the most beloved and popular Pope of the modern era. On the steps of the Vatican this morning, Pope Francis announced that he is leaving the Catholic church to worship a monster truck he saw flatten 30 school busses.
This is a sad day for believers and nonbelievers alike. Pope Francis was a revolutionary leader for the Catholic Church whose spiritual guidance will be missed.
In an official statement presented to cardinals at the Vatican, Pope Francis explained this morning that after seeing Gravedigger crush a row of school buses at last night’s Monster Jam event, he was overcome with a newfound reverence and awe for the monster truck’s power and realized that he needed to dedicate his life to serving the massive vehicle and supplicating himself before its unrivaled glory. Citing the monster truck’s incredibly loud engine, green flame paint job, and massive tires, Pope Francis spoke of his conviction that Gravedigger is more powerful than Jesus Christ and that he has renounced Catholicism to worship it.
“After a late night of scripture study and prayer, I have not been able to find a single one of Jesus’ miracles that matches the transcendent power and majesty of Gravedigger smashing an entire row of school buses as if they were tiny tin cans,” Francis explained to cardinals in attendance. “As I sat and contemplated the splendor of such a giant truck reducing full-sized buses to rubble in just 10 minutes, a profound humility washed over me. I realized that in all of Christ’s ministry, he never smashed school buses to bits under his gigantic tires. I knew in that moment that Gravedigger alone was worthy of my prayers.”
The now former Pope then went on to explain that he will continue his life of humble religious practice, but that Gravedigger will now be the subject of his spiritual devotion. “I will now attend Monster Jam each week to renew my dedication to the monster truck,” Francis said. “And this summer, I will make a pilgrimage to Digger’s Dungeon in North Carolina alongside a congregation of others who have been moved by Gravedigger pure bus-demolishing power to pay my respects.”
Wow. This is certainly a day of great change for the former Pope and the Catholic Church, which once again finds itself in transition as the College of Cardinals convenes at the Vatican to find his replacement. We wish the best to Pope Francis as he begins his new life of religious devotion to the monster truck that has won dominion over his soul.