Don’t let it happen to you! Look out for these signs that your plumber is trying to gradually steal your toilet over the course of many years.
1. Your plumber moves your toilet an inch closer to your front door every time he fixes it: This is one of the telltale signs that your plumber is working painstakingly to steal your toilet for himself over the span of decades. If you come home to notice that your toilet has inched all the way to your bathroom door, it could mean that your plumber is trying to move it out of your house so slowly that you don’t realize it’s happening until it’s too late.
2. You have on multiple occasions caught your plumber using a tape measure to measure your toilet seat and then his own ass: If you have repeatedly witnessed your plumber measuring your toilet seat, measuring his ass, and then whispering “perfect” to himself, watch out: He is most likely sizing up your toilet to make sure that abducting it over the course of years will be worth his while.
3. Your plumber keeps mentioning that he’ll be able to stop using an outhouse within the next decade: Does your plumber’s small talk include a lot of mentions of the fact that he’s hoping to get rid of the outhouse he uses within the next 10 years because he’s “expecting something much better to come his way”? If so, there’s a good chance he’s talking about replacing his outhouse with your very own toilet bowl.
4. You saw your plumber leaving your house with a cupful of water from your toilet in a Ziploc bag: Remember, plumbers do NOT typically need to take any of the water from your toilet home with them during the course of normal plumbing work. If your plumber does this, he is most likely stealing your water so that he can put it in your toilet once he steals that, too.
5. Your plumber showed you photos of his remodeled bathroom, and instead of a toilet there was a neon sign where a toilet should be that said, “Stolen Toilet Coming Soon”: If you have a close enough relationship with your plumber that he shows you photos of his newly remodeled bathroom, look carefully to see if these pictures include this telltale placeholder sign where a toilet should be. Make no mistake, the “Stolen Toilet Coming Soon” sign could very well indicate that your plumber is planning to one day own a stolen toilet— quite possibly your own.
6. Your plumber brings his daughter over to see your toilet and tells her that someday it will be hers: Has your plumber ever pulled his daughter out of school to show her your toilet bowl and explain to her that he plans on passing it down to her when he dies? If so, you’re going to want to confront your plumber ASAP before he turns your toilet into his family’s prized possession.
7. Your plumber asks you point-blank how long you plan on living: It doesn’t get clearer than this: Your plumber is hoping to find out how long he will have to wait for you to pass away so he can finally steal your toilet. If your plumber asks you about your life expectancy, take note, because your toilet is in danger of being stolen at some point in the next couple decades.