Sticking fireworks up your ass can be a beautiful and life-affirming thing, but it’s not a decision anyone should ever rush or take lightly. Here are five signs that you’re not emotionally mature enough to cram a bunch of fireworks in the backdoor.


1. You refer to the solemn act of cramming fireworks up your ass as “stuffing my tooter up with a shooter”: Only a deeply immature person would refer to stuffing fireworks into their anus as “stuffing their tooter up with a shooter.” Adults call it “cramming fireworks deep into the sacred asshole,” or more formally, “packing my deep ass full of Technicolor bombs.” If you talk about cramming fireworks up your ass like a little baby, then you definitely aren’t emotionally mature enough to do it yet.

Advertisement

2. You want to cram fireworks up your ass because you want people to think you’re “sophisticated”: Trying to cram fireworks up your ass just because you want to be treated like a fancy big shot is a strong indication that you just aren’t emotionally mature enough to do it yet. Real adults don’t cram fireworks into their ass because they want to look “sophisticated” or “cool”; they do it because they want their ass to violently explode into a million amazing colors. Before you choose to cram fireworks up your ass, make sure you’re doing it for the right reasons.

3. You’re trying to stick fireworks up your ass before you’ve even stuck a full beer can up your ass: We all overestimate our abilities from time to time, but if you haven’t already emptied an entire Corona Light into you rectum, then there’s no way you’re emotionally prepared to jump straight to jamming your ass full of fireworks.

4. When friends stick fireworks up their asses, you shout, “Light that hole up for me, baby!” instead of, “Shit me some sparks, compadre!”: When it comes to cheering on a friend sticking fireworks up their ass, the only acceptable adult response is to shout, “Shit me some sparks, compadre!” The one exception is that if you are at a formal event like a funeral or a baptism where your friend is stuffing fireworks into their rectum, you may also shout, “My cherished friend, I need your ass to become a dragon that breathes fire.” Resorting to childish gibes such as, “Light that hole up for me, baby!” or “Your butt’s gonna give birth to a campfire!” is pretty compelling evidence that stuffing fireworks into your ass is not something you’re ready for yet.

Advertisement

5. You laugh while sticking fireworks up your ass: This isn’t a goddamn circus. You’re about to stuff a bunch of explosives into your rectal cavity, and that’s a serious moment that requires solemnity. If you can’t remain stoic and calmly reflect upon your life while you stuff fireworks up your ass, then that’s a surefire sign that you need to wait until you’re mature enough to take it seriously.