Illustration for article titled 5 Celebrities Who Got Their Start As Cap’n Crunch’s Live-In Concubine On Crunch Island

You know them now as some of the biggest names in the world, but these stars didn’t get to where they are today without paying their dues. Here are five celebrities who got their start as Cap’n Crunch’s live-in concubine on Crunch Island.


1. Lisa Kudrow

Before she was the iconic Phoebe Buffay on Friends, Lisa Kudrow spent the first five years of her career in a haze of ecstasy at Cap’n Crunch’s four-story island mansion, alternating between making love to the Cap’n and feasting on cereal all day long. Kudrow enjoyed her time with the Cap’n so much that when the cereal mascot suggested it was time for her to leave and start booking roles in Hollywood, she only agreed to unshackle herself from the radiator in the Cap’n’s mating dungeon and audition for Friends on the grounds that she could one day return to the island and resume pleasuring her king.

2. Adele

If you think Adele just waltzed her way to worldwide fame, think again because she’d been steadily climbing the ranks of Cap’n Crunch’s harem for years before even stepping foot inside a recording studio. While her initial concubine duty was to simply follow the Cap’n around nude and drop Crunch Berries into his mouth whenever he was hungry, Adele gradually earned the Cap’n’s favor and became his top concubine. After bearing 12 heirs to the Crunch name, Adele was discovered by music executives visiting for Crunch Fest, an annual weekend orgy celebrating the Cap’n’s birthday. They offered her a record deal after watching her sensually run her fingers up and down the Cap’n’s two-and-a-half-foot-tall body while singing him seductive melodies, believing that those same melodies could be successfully repackaged for a mass audience. And as history would have it, they were right.


3. Stephen King

You wouldn’t think that one of the most prolific horror writers of all time used to spend his days fanning Cap’n Crunch’s sweat-drenched ass and sucking his toes to help him fall asleep, but that’s exactly how Stephen King got his start! In fact, King first conceived the idea for a book about a murderous clown who lives in the sewer while he was on all fours climbing up Mt. Crunch with a naked Cap’n Crunch sitting on his back, whipping him to go faster.


4. Dwyane Wade

There was nothing the Cap’n found more stimulating after a long day of tanning himself in the hot sun of Crunch Island than to roll his body into a ball and have his concubine Dwyane Wade throw him into a laundry hamper across the room. While it may not have been obvious at the time, constantly doing this for the Cap’n helped Wade develop the skill set that would eventually lead him to three NBA titles. Though the Cap’n was sad to see a concubine as faithful as Wade get drafted, he never held it against him, and years later he could frequently be seen sitting courtside at Miami Heat games, cheering on the player who, as a young man, used to suck his dick seven or eight times a day.


5. Wendy Williams

Though she’s had an incredible decades-long career in broadcasting, if you were to ask Williams what her favorite job has been, don’t be surprised if she says, “honoring His Greatness, Cap’n Crunch, as his loyal sex attendant on Crunch Island.” Known for being the concubine who would use her long nails to pick all the cereal out of the Cap’n’s eyebrows and feed it back to him, Williams was heartbroken when she aged out of the harem on her 30th birthday. However, the Cap’n lovingly encouraged her to move on and even put in a good word for her at FOX when they were considering new talk show hosts. Turns out that being the Cap’n’s concubine pays off big time!


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