Let’s face it, life can be tough sometimes. That’s why you deserve to set your troubles aside and take a relaxing break from it all by thinking about hot dogs. So draw your blinds, shove your earplugs in as deep as they’ll go, and let yourself be whisked away by these five beautiful hot dog-related fantasies that we’ve created just for you.
Imagine yourself swinging on a porch swing on a breezy early summer afternoon. Birds are chirping and neighborhood kids’ giggles echo in the distance. You hear your mailbox creak open and shut, so you spring up to see if your mailman delivered the hot dog you’ve been eagerly awaiting. You crack open your mailbox and peer inside, almost too nervous to look. A beam of sunlight makes its way through the crack in the door like a spotlight and lands on a jumbo kosher footlong. It’s here! Thin-sliced pickles, double bead of mustard, sesame bun, just a pinch of celery salt...perfect. But you won’t be eating this masterpiece. No, this one is for your collection.
You’re in 11th-grade art class. Your art teacher is fresh out of college and smoking hot. They ask you to stay after class. Your heart jumps. Could they feel the same way about you as you feel about them? The class clears out, and your teacher approaches your desk as your breathing intensifies. They seem nervous. They’re holding something. It’s an airbrush painting you did of a Vienna sausage topped with relish and stone-ground mustard. “This is the best painting I have ever seen in my entire life,” says your teacher, reaching out to give you a firm handshake.
You are lying in the sand on the beach. Clouds that look like hot dogs float in the blue sky above you. A light breeze lifts you up into the air. Despite being thousands of feet off the ground, you feel completely relaxed. You reach the hot dog-shaped cloud and inhale the entire thing. Your arms immediately become ripped with muscles. You float gently to the ground and win the Mr. Universe bodybuilding competition, and you use the prize money to buy a hot dog.
You’re the a star NFL quarterback playing the Super Bowl. Your team is down by two touchdowns at halftime and you’re not sure if you’re going to be able to make the comeback. It’s not looking good. Suddenly, you have an idea. You ask your coach if it’s legal to play the rest of the game using a Chicago-style hot dog with extra peppers instead of a football. “Sure, do whatever you want,” says your coach. “Nothing matters, and in 65 million years, the NFL probably won’t even exist.” With your coach’s permission, you play the rest of the game using a hot dog instead of a football. Your team loses by 90 points and your coach leaves the stadium a full eight minutes before the game ends.
After years of praying, you finally become a hot dog. It doesn’t happen overnight, though. It happens very gradually. So much so that you hardly notice that your arms are becoming bun-like and your chest hair is turning into relish. But one day, you wake up and the transformation is complete. You’re a beautiful hot dog. And you get eaten by none other than your favorite actor, Gene Hackman. After you’re digested by Mr. Hackman’s stomach, you float up to hot dog heaven. An entire fantastic world just for hot dogs like you. Fountains spraying ketchup and trains shaped like sausage links are everywhere. The minute you get there, you have sex with another hot dog. Jesus sees you doing it, and he smiles and nods.