My dad read some article online about how oysters are an aphrodisiac, and since then every time he eats an oyster he starts acting super horny because he thinks if he doesn’t it means his penis doesn’t work or something. Here are four times that happened. Every time it is embarrassing.


1. The time Dad ate an oyster during Mom’s birthday dinner at Special Captain’s Seafood and started howling like a wolf

On Mom’s birthday three months ago, we went out for a fish dinner at Special Captain’s Seafood. When Dad saw that they had oysters on the menu, he started rubbing his chin thoughtfully and said, “Oysters, hmmm? I just read an article on a men’s interest website that says oysters are an aphrodisiac, which means a food that gets me ready for sex.” Dad spent the rest of the dinner muttering, “Yes… I can feel it working… The oyster is making my penis normal and healthy…” My brother and I tried to tune him out, but it was really hard, especially since he kept leaning across the table and whispering to us, “I’m going to have quiet, healthy sex with your mother later, because this oyster power is making me feel ready for proper intercourse.” Mom kept smiling like nothing was wrong, but you could tell she was humiliated because Dad kept throwing his head back and trying to howl like a horny wolf, but the sound he kept howling was, “Mi mi mi! Mi mi mi!” I don’t think Dad knows what a wolf sounds like. Anyway, thanks to Dad making a big scene about eating an oyster, Mom’s birthday dinner was pretty much ruined.

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2. The time Dad ate an oyster he took out of his pocket during my little league game and started shouting at me that I had to “hit a home run for the horniest dad in the ballpark”

During one of my little league games a couple weeks ago, I came up to bat and saw Dad reach into the pocket of his windbreaker and take out an oyster that he had brought with him to the field. He turned to one of the dads sitting next to him and said, “It’s time for me to get horny,” and ate the oyster. Then he stood up in the bleachers and started shouting to anyone who would listen, “The article on the men’s interest website said that oysters can get you ready for normal sex, and boy, oh boy, is that the truth!” For the rest of the game he kept shouting things like, “My son is the Babe Ruth of having a horny dad!” and “My penis works great now, just like the article said it would!” All of my teammates were laughing at me and saying things like, “Your dad’s so horny from oysters that it’s honestly embarrassing. Our dads aren’t horny at all and their penises don’t work.” Then they all high-fived each other because their dads were calm while my dad was marching around the field pointing at a picture of me and shouting, “I’m this guy’s dad, and I’m horny during baseball!” It was mortifying.

3. The time Dad ate an oyster while we were camping and left me alone in the woods so he could go home and have sex with my mom

For my 11th birthday last month, Dad took me on a father-son camping weekend, and everything was going fine up until the second night of the trip, when Dad dragged out a huge cooler labeled, “DANGER: CONTAINS ONE OYSTER FOR HIGH-OCTANE HEALTHY NORMAL SEX.” Dad opened up the cooler and ate the single oyster, and then he turned to me and said, “Goodbye, Son.” Then he got up and walked away, leaving me alone in the middle of the woods at night. The next day, a park ranger found me and said, “Your dad told me to tell you that he had to go home because the oyster he ate made him horny, just like the article said it would. He says that he needed to rush back to civilization to see if your mom would have sex with him and his perfectly normal penis. I haven’t heard from him since. Goodbye.” Then the park ranger wandered off into the trees. I waited in the woods by myself for three days before I decided to walk home.

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4. The time Dad insisted there were oysters in the communion wafers and started acting horny at church

Last Sunday, my dad was taking communion at church, when all of a sudden he shouted, “Whoa, nelly! There must have been some oysters in that wafer, because I’m horny like from the article now. That oyster definitely had aphrodisiac powers and I’m ready to have some quiet sex while lying down like a normal guy.” Then, to show everybody how horny he was, he pointed to the sculpture of Jesus on the cross and asked the priest, “Hey, Father, who’s this fine mamacita? I wouldn’t mind having healthy sex with her! Mi mi mi! Mi mi mi!” The priest just shook his head and said, “Is this horny gentleman anyone’s dad?” and then when I raised my hand, the priest looked at me and said, “You should be ashamed of yourself.” Later that day, I Googled, “Is it normal to have your dad be horny from oysters?” and the only search result it gave was the words “Who cares?” with no link.