Illustration for article titled 4 Cap’n Crunch Commercials Where The Cap’n Crashes His Ship Into A House And Starts Going Through All The Drawers Without Crunchatizing Anyoneem/em

Most Cap’n Crunch commercials feature the Cap’n crashing his ship through a house to crunchatize some kids and take them on an awesome cereal adventure, but not all of the ads go that route. Here are four commercials in which Cap’n crashes his ship into a house and starts going through all the drawers without crunchatizing anyone.


1. The one where Cap’n Crunch ignores the kids’ pleas for cereal so he can lock himself in the master bedroom and try on pants:

This 2004 commercial begins when three young siblings check their cabinets only to realize they don’t have anything fun to eat for breakfast. Just then, Cap’n Crunch crashes his ship through their kitchen wall and the kids cheer excitedly because they think they’re about to get some cereal. However, the Cap’n immediately walks stone-faced to the master bedroom and locks the door behind him, throwing open the closet and ripping dozens of pairs of pants off their hangers. “It’s time for the Cap’n to put on his pants,” the Cap’n says to himself as the kids desperately knock on the door and beg to be crunchatized. “These are my pants that belong to me,” the Cap’n goes on to insist, despite the fact that each pair trails off of his 15-inch legs for several additional feet. Once the Cap’n has donned all the pairs of pants available, he waddles to the window, jumps onto his ship, and sets off down the road. The kids are still banging on the bedroom door as the commercial ends without mentioning Cap’n Crunch cereal at all.

2. The one where he makes tallies on a scroll as he looks through the drawers but refuses to explain what the tallies mean:

In this 2011 commercial debuting a new flavor called “Chocolatey Crunch,” Cap’n Crunch blows right past the kids complaining about their awful babysitter who won’t let them have chocolate cereal to take inventory of every drawer and cabinet in the house, making huge tally marks on a large parchment scroll as he searches through them. The kids ask him for cereal, but he just tosses some loose Cap’n Crunch out of his pockets and says, “Can’t have this stuff affecting my totals.” The kids press him further to ask why he made two tallies when he saw a spatula, but eight tallies when he saw a fork. Rather than provide an explanation to his process, the Cap’n erases three tallies and adds fifteen new ones before shoving the scroll into a shredder. As the kids reluctantly eat the cereal off the ground, the voiceover states that Cap’n Crunch is a great part of a balanced breakfast.


3. The Christmas commercial where he walks straight past the tree and presents to search a filing cabinet for a kid’s birth certificate:

This 1987 commercial for “Christmas Crunch” opens with a kid who’s heartbroken because he didn’t get any Cap’n Crunch for Christmas. To his delight, Cap’n Crunch shows up in his living room wearing a Santa suitbut unfortunately, the Cap’n just books it to the basement where he starts rifling through a filing cabinet. When the kid follows the Cap’n downstairs to ask if he brought him any cereal, the Cap’n hands him a half-eaten Kind bar without looking up from the cabinet and says, “I got this at the airport.” Finally, the Cap’n finds the kid’s birth certificate, at which point he pulls out his phone from under his hat, takes a picture of the certificate, and tries to upload it to his banking app as a check for $300. The commercial fades to black as the Cap’n calls his bank’s customer service and shouts that he is having trouble cashing the savings bond he got for his first communion.


4. The one where he loads a bunch of stuff from the house into a truck then crashes the truck into a lamppost:

As soon as Cap’n Crunch crashes through the wall of a house in this 1998 commercial, it’s clear he has no intention of giving kids cereal. “Load up everything that’s mineand everything in the drawers is mine,” the Cap’n says to the team of movers he brought with him, who immediately start clearing things out of the house and into a U-Haul parked in the driveway. Still hoping they’ll go on an adventure, the kids cheer, “Crunchatize me, Cap’n!” but the Cap’n just sprays them with Windex and tells them to make themselves useful by bringing every fork in the house out to the truck. The kids oblige as the Cap’n looks at an old Target chip clip he finds in the pantry and mutters, “I’ll be needing this in my dorm room,” before winking and stuffing it into his bra. Then, although they’ve only cleared out the drawers in the kitchen and one of the bedrooms, the Cap’n proudly announces, “We got everything. There is nothing left in this hotel.” With the U-Haul’s back doors still open, the Cap’n gets into the driver’s seat, starts the engine, and drives straight into a lamppost. “Well, I’m off to college!” the Cap’n yells as he steps out of the truck and climbs into the mailbox, leaving the truck and everything in it behind. The kids watch in terror from their front porch as the commercial abruptly cuts off, once again failing to clarify its message about Cap’n Crunch cereal.


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