Elephants are highly intelligent, beautiful animals whose presence on the Earth is sadly threatened by habitat loss and poaching. To ensure these majestic creatures never go extinct, humans must be good stewards to them and should absolutely never kill them, except in the case of the following 20 completely acceptable circumstances.
1. A massive elephant is about to walk onto a rickety bridge which is already supporting 12 baby elephants.
Only the most heartless person could kill an animal as incredible as an elephant, unless of course that particular elephant was threatening the lives of 12 baby elephants, in which case murdering it would be completely justified. It’s basic math.
The bloody slaughter of elephants for their ivory is a terrible thing, but so is terrorism. If a beautiful, majestic elephant is acting suspicious near a subway station or crowded arena, go ahead and and end its life as quickly as possible.
3. You are demonstrating to a group of children exactly what they should not do when they see an elephant.
Just as it’s okay to take a few animals for research that may benefit the species as a whole, it’s fine to kill an elephant as an example to kids of what not to do to an elephant.
Here’s a harrowing statistic: An estimated 100 elephants worldwide are killed daily by poachers. That means that, in comparison, killing an elephant here and there because they’re causing a safety hazard by blocking a fire escape won’t have much impact, so it’s totally fine. In fact, it’s your moral responsibility to use a harpoon gun to shoot any elephant blocking a designated fire escape route.
There are only a few dozen reasons you should ever kill an elephant, and this is one of the big ones. It’s just generally a downer to see animals that aren’t looking great. Feel free to rid the world of that hideous beast.
Normally, killing an elephant is the cruelest, least-acceptable thing you can do, but hey, your family has to eat, and it’s cruel to eat an elephant that is still alive. If your kids tell you they’d like to eat an elephant instead of pizza one night, you’ve got to go ahead and slaughter an elephant for them.
Taking an elephant’s life should never be taken lightly, but when presented with a Sophie’s choice between killing an elephant or letting it squish a pangolin, you need to choose the elephant. Pangolins are way cuter and more important than elephants, and their lives should always be prioritized over the lives of elephants.
An elephant’s life is one of the most precious things in the wild, but even the staunchest environmentalist will tell you it’s no big deal to kill an elephant that’s going to die within in the next couple of months anyway.
It’s totally fine to kill an elephant if it’s eating one of your only sources of sustenance on a desert island. That’s just basic math.
You should never listen to anyone who tells you to kill an elephant unless the directive comes straight from the president of the United States. The president is your ruler, and you must murder an animal if they command it. If you are not a United States citizen, it’s still important to kill an elephant if get a letter from the president telling you to do so, because that is the polite thing to do. Just be sure the letter is signed or has some sort of stamp proving it’s really from the president.
Jane “Mrs. Elephant” Goodall herself wouldn’t think twice about blasting an elephant who’s rampaging around a soccer stadium trampling everyone.
Normally, killing elephants for money is the most terrible thing a human being can do, but there is a certain mathematical point at which it becomes totally acceptable, and that is when you calculate the elephant’s precious ivory tusks to be worth more than $100,000. That’s so much money. Nobody would fault you for killing an elephant for $100,000. It’s just basic math.
Let’s face it, there’s only so much stuff an elephant can do: eat grass, drink water, sleep...So once it’s done all of that stuff no one’s going to be mad at you if you end its life. They’ll probably even thank you for killing an elephant who’s all used up.
This one’s pretty cut-and-dry; if two elephants get their trunks all knotted up, simply murder the shittier elephant to save the life of the cooler elephant.
This probably happens very infrequently, so ultimately, killing elephants whose weight may cause a place to crash will have little to no impact on their numbers.
Elephants are awe-inspiring creatures, but they shouldn’t get to make you feel bad about yourself. If you see an elephant frolicking around and looking happy and it makes you feel bad about how hard your life is in comparison, it’s alright to kill that majestic, joyful creature.
Self-care is important for everyone. You should never feel guilty for prioritizing your mental health, and that includes killing an elephant for stress relief if that’s one of the things that makes you feel happy.
Caring for an elephant can be overwhelming, so it’s completely understandable if you’ve got to kill one because keeping it as a pet is too expensive or your landlord finds it or something.
You put those gourds on your porch for decoration, not for some elephant’s lunch! If you see an elephant eating your decorative gourds, you should kill it. It’s just basic math.