Three days ago, 8-year-old Caleb Jacobson was tragically killed after being struck by an SUV while running into the road to retrieve an errant basketball. Though it’s hard to think of anything more heartbreaking than a child with his whole life ahead of him dying before he could realize his potential, it turns out that Caleb’s gruesome death was only the beginning of his suffering, as, sadly, he has now reincarnated as his grandma’s toilet.
Damn, that’s awful. Poor kid can’t catch a break.
It’s only been a couple of days since Caleb’s spirit merged into the pale blue toilet that’s been in his grandma’s bathroom since 1974, but that’s been more than enough time for him to realize just how miserable his new life will be. Now, instead of doing little boy things like playing video games or catching frogs in the creek, he gets filled with shit and piss by his own grandmother multiple times a day. His heart fills with dread whenever he hears her hobbling down the hallway, mumbling to herself about how she isn’t sure if she’s going to make it in time. Unable to move or scream, he must sit there helplessly as she opens up the fuzzy-fabric-adorned toilet seat cover and eases down onto the bowl that now embodies his being, feeling the stickiness of her clammy buttocks as she shifts around to find a comfortable position. Somehow able to see the wretched scene from both inside and out of the toilet, Caleb feels the chilly water in the bowl turning warm and chunky as his grandma squirts hot shit inside of him while casually flipping through a Reader’s Digest. And he feels it vividly, too, as he’s found that tactile sensations are exponentially more intense for toilets than they are for humans, making every excruciating second that his grandma’s wrinkled ass rests on top of him utterly unbearable.
Caleb tries his best to dwell on happy things like riding bikes with his friends and watching his favorite cartoons, but it’s just never enough to distract him from the brutal reality of being his grandma’s toilet. If his grandma’s constant visits to the bathroom weren’t already nightmarish enough, Caleb has learned that there are always new and unexpected horrors he must endure, whether it’s his grandma’s weekly bridge games where three other elderly women come over and frequently relieve their bladders as they gulp down hot tea by the kettle, or the unthinkably disgusting afternoons where his grandma elects not to flush down her dark yellow piss in order to save water. The torture is endless, but unfortunately this is his cross to bear.
No matter where you stand spiritually, you’ve got to admit this poor child being reincarnated as his own grandmother’s toilet really calls into question what exactly the higher powers are doing here. The kid has to stare straight up at his grandma’s withered vulva five to six times a day, for chrissake. You’d think that karma would allow for an innocent young boy who suffered a violent death to be reincarnated as something fun, like an ice cream machine or a cheetah, but fate instead elected to kick him while he was down and assign him to an eternity as his grandma’s personal feces receptacle.
It’s just so unfair!
No child should ever have to be reincarnated as a toilet, let alone their own grandparent’s. This is just one of those tragic stories with no upside that leaves you sick to your stomach and reminds you just how cruel and unjust the universe can be.