While most sports equipment companies aim to create products that give athletes an edge, one popular shoe brand is betting big on doing the exact opposite: ASICS has unveiled a new insanely shitty-looking running shoe so that if you’re a slow runner, you can just blame it on the shoe.
Whoa. An innovation like this could be a total game-changer!
After years of priding itself on designing footwear that’s both stylish and engineered for performance, ASICS is completely flipping the script with its newest line of shoes that looks like absolute horseshit, all in a groundbreaking effort to give athletes a perfect scapegoat if they ever come up short in competition. The shoe, which ASICS has dubbed the Garage Mystery XT to reflect how it basically looks like the godawful sneakers that have been sitting in your garage for 20 years and your dad only wears to mow the lawn, won’t actually hinder your performance in any way, but is simply so shitty looking that anyone who sees you biff it during competition will automatically assume that your junk-ass footwear is the reason why.
In a press release, ASICS explained that whether you’re an Olympic-caliber pro who wants a little insurance in case you choke in the heat of a big moment or simply a slow-as-hell middle school cross-country runner who doesn’t want his teammates to hate him, the Garage Mystery XTs are the ideal solution for making sure no one will ever hold you accountable for sucking ass when it counts most.
“ASICS has long strived to help athletes reach their peak potential, but now with the Garage Mystery XTs, we’re aiming to help athletes who know they don’t have what it takes to be winners, but would like to preserve the illusion that they do,” the company stated. “Given how shitty our new shoes look with their old-ass, way-too-long shoelaces flopping every which way, loose-as-hell tongue-parts that slide down into the shoe and get mushed in by your feet, mud-caked rubber soles, decorative panels that are straight-up peeling off, and cinder-block-like construction that looks almost ergonomically engineered for spraining ankles, your teammates and coaches won’t even suspect that your dismal performance could be related to anything else but your haggard, secondhand-TJ-Maxx-clearance-rack-lookin’ footwear.”
To promote the new shoe, ASICS released a new 30-second commercial spot in which an overweight high school track runner gets humiliatingly left in the dust at the starting line of a 100-meter hurdle event before slowly waddling up to the first obstacle and then totally eating shit while jumping in the goofiest, most unathletic-looking fashion possible. Pitifully wheezing for air on the ground, he then looks over to his teammates, gestures at his Garage Mystery XTs, and says, “What did you expect? These shoes are fucking terrible.”
This shoe is seriously awesome news for any athlete who never wants to take heat for failing spectacularly when their teammates need them most. Look out, Nike, because ASICS may soon be the biggest name in sports footwear!