Brace yourself, because this story about Dan Asher from Milwaukee, WI is going to be the saddest thing you hear all day: Dan got a new blender and it literally changed his life.

Good God. You hate to see this sort of thing.

After seeing a commercial for the Vitamix 780 blender, Dan decided to pick up one of his own, which, depressingly, has marked a major turning point in the 31-year-old data entry clerk’s dull and inane life. Weeks after ordering the product online, Dan still considers using his new blender to be the highlight of his entire day, since there’s apparently nothing else going on with him that could otherwise occupy his attention.

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It is with heavy hearts that we report Dan’s newfound ability to easily make smoothies is one of the most exciting things that’s ever happened to him.

This is awful. We wish there were some good news to give, but the tragic reality of the situation is that Dan has the kind of life that can be changed by a kitchen appliance. Here’s hoping that Dan dies soon, because if his existence is so empty and bleak that a blender can become his main passion, he probably doesn’t have very much to live for. It’s absolutely heartbreaking.

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