Illustration for article titled Heartbreaking Tragedy: Hundreds Are Dead After The Music Of Kings Of Leon Seduced Dozens Of Sea Captains Into Wrecking Their Ships Against The Staples Center

What should have been a joyful evening of music and celebration turned tragic last night in one of the deadliest incidents in California history: Hundreds have died after the music of Kings of Leon seduced dozens of sea captains into wrecking their ships against the Staples Center.

Heartbreaking. Nothing can prepare you for a disaster like this.

At around 8:30 p.m. yesterday evening, Kings of Leon opened their concert with “Sex On Fire,” and the song’s uplifting melody and anthemic chorus bewitched the minds of multiple sea captains sailing their ships in the Pacific, causing them to dash their vessels against the unforgiving walls of the Staples Center. The music mesmerized novice and veteran seamen alike, and the pounding mid-tempo drums mingling with the crackling energy of Caleb Followill’s vocals drew them all toward the multipurpose arena’s perilous concrete architecture like moths to flame.


Hundreds of Kings of Leon fans were crushed to death instantly by the massive prows of numerous ocean liners, tugboats, and barges bursting through the stadium walls.

Despite the obvious danger, the bewitched sea captains and their crews lurched unrelentingly toward the sound of the 2008 alternative-rock hit, splintering sailing yachts and fishing boats against the Staples Center in their mindless pursuit of Kings of Leon’s irresistible music. An oil tanker ruptured its hull on the bronze statue of Kareem Abdul-Jabbar in the arena’s Star Plaza, spilling thousands of gallons of crude oil that were then ignited by a speedboat that smashed into Kings of Leon’s tour bus at 90 mph. Even as the fire raged, the captain of the wrecked tanker remained oblivious to everything other than Nathan Followill’s raucous drum fills, tapping his hands on the steering wheel along with the music until he was completely consumed by flame.

“It was carnage on a scale I’ve never seen before, and I was forced to choose between saving the lives of the wounded and stopping the unceasing onslaught of enchanted sailors ramming their ships into the Staples Center,” said Jennifer Martens, one of the first paramedics to arrive on the scene. “I wrestled a tugboat captain to the ground just to keep him from running over a downed power line lying between him and a side entrance. His eyes were totally glazed over and his bottom lip was trembling perfectly in rhythm with the bass line of ‘Sex On Fire.’ I tried slapping him awake, but it wasn’t until I plugged his ears up with my fingers that he finally stopped air-guitaring and asked me what he was doing on land.”

Possibly the single worst loss of life came from an aircraft carrier whose commanding officer overheard the chorus of “Sex On Fire” and was so transfixed by the unshakeable desire to reach the beguiling music’s source that she cleaved a Carnival cruise liner completely in half, killing 258 passengers instantly and showering the streets below with debris and several fully fueled jets that came loose from the flight deck. The captain managed to disembark and make it within feet of the Staples Center’s main doors before being sideswiped by a jet skier who had also been seized by the otherworldly temptation of Kings of Leon’s soaring guitar riffs, adding two more victims to the already staggering death toll.

Eventually, the two-hour concert came to an end and the spell on the sea captains was broken, but sadly, the aftershocks of this calamity will be felt for years to come. Our hearts go out to the people of Los Angeles as they pick up the pieces from this unimaginable tragedy.

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