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Illustration for article titled Flying Safety FTW! American Airlines Will Be Placing A Weapon Under The Seat Of Each Passenger To Be Used In The Event Of An All-Out Battle Royaleem/em

For many people, flying in an airplane can be pretty scary, but American Airlines is introducing a brand-new feature that is sure to make its customers feel totally secure: American will be placing a weapon under the seat of each passenger to be used in the event of an all-out battle royale!

Awesome! Sounds like this major airline is really stepping things up to keep its customers safe!

Starting as early as next week, every seat on every American Airlines flight will come with its own handheld melee weapon in the event that a no-holds-barred fight to the death erupts among the passengers mid-flight. Now, nervous fliers who feel anxiety about being completely defenseless in a disorganized close-range battle every time they board a plane can relax knowing that there will always be a large ax, titanium mace, or loaded crossbow within arm’s reach.


“The overwhelming majority of our flights never see a merciless brawl with no allegiances break out, but should the unthinkable happen, we want to make sure all American Airlines flights are stocked with a full arsenal of premodern combat weapons that give every passenger a chance to be the last one standing,” said American Airlines president Robert Isom in prepared remarks this morning.

Wow. Safety FTW!

It’s truly amazing to see a company like American making big changes for the sake of its customers. Anyone planning to fly within the next few months should take advantage of American Airlines’ incredible new deal ASAP, before all the sturdy titanium broadswords in first class are completely booked! Happy flying!

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