The Boy Who Lived and He Who Shall Not Be Named were certainly at odds in most respects, but that doesn’t mean they disagreed on everything. Here are five times Harry Potter and Voldemort agreed that for the Sorting Hat, being put on a kid’s head probably felt like using a bidet.
1. The time Harry traveled back in time and saw a young Tom Riddle arguing with Dumbledore about how they should let the Sorting Hat sit on someone’s head every day of the year because it must feel refreshing for it, all while an invisible Harry nodded in agreement
While experimenting with a spell meant to show people their greatest fears in a charms class during his third year at Hogwarts, Harry was transported back in time to see a young Voldemort furiously arguing with Dumbledore, but rather than making him afraid, the vision had basically the opposite effect:
“Harry was suddenly transported to a room he recognized as Dumbledore’s office, but he knew right away that things were not as he’d known them. Everything seemed newer, fresher, more vibrant, and it didn’t take him long to understand why. Harry was in the past, watching a much younger Dumbledore write at his desk as a student he instantly recognized as Tom Riddle stood over him, absolutely berating the headmaster and growing more incensed by the moment.
‘Jesus Christ, you old fucking twat, what don’t you see?’ Tom roared. ‘The Sorting Hat is not meant to sit in your office on a stool all the time. The Sorting Hat should be put on kids’ heads every single day because when it’s on top of someone’s head, it probably feels super refreshing, like it’s on a bidet. The hair probably feels like water splashing right up into its anus, not only giving its asshole a deep clean, but also reaching any and all itchy spots that it can’t get to because it doesn’t have fingers. Any argument to the contrary is foolish.’
‘Your logic is flawed, Mr. Riddle, and you sound like a little bitch to boot,’ Dumbledore calmly replied without looking up from his writing, throwing Tom into an even greater rage. ‘I don’t think children’s heads feel like a bidet for the Sorting Hat. The Sorting Hat does not have legs. The Sorting Hat does not take shits. Therefore, the Sorting Hat’s big hole cannot feel like an anus to it—and if you have no anus, there’s nothing refreshing about using a bidet.’
Harry watched on from a few feet away, invisible to the ghosts of the past arguing before him.
‘Voldemort’s right,’ Harry whispered, nodding his head in agreement. ‘The Hat’s hole is on the bottom of it, which makes that hole its asshole. Being on a kid’s head must feel like a bidet for it. It’s pretty cut and dry.’
Harry was still muttering about the Sorting Hat when his vision ended and he was transported back to class, where no one asked about what he saw, because if everyone had to talk about their visions, the class would take forever.”
2. The time Harry and Voldemort were dueling and Harry said a spell that sounded kind of like “bidet,” which prompted Voldemort to pause and explain that he can’t think about bidets without thinking about the Sorting Hat
During the second of their many one-on-one duels, Harry unleashed a powerful spell at Voldemort that reminded him of his Sorting Hat theory, prompting him to put a pause on the duel and explain it to Harry:
“Harry ran toward his wand after Voldemort managed to blast it out of his hands, covering the 20 yards or so in just seconds as He Who Shall Not Be Named cackled behind him. In one fluid motion, Harry slid, scooped up his weapon, turned toward the dark lord, and unleashed the most lethal spell he could muster.
‘Avada bidaya!’ he bellowed, sending a beam of green lightning soaring past Voldemort’s left temple, coming within inches of eviscerating the evil sorcerer.
‘Wait, wait, hold up,’ Voldemort hollered, making the ‘timeout’ gesture with his hands. ‘The word bidaya in your spell sounded a lot like bidet, and I can’t think about bidets without thinking about the Sorting Hat. I don’t think I ever told you, but I believe that for the Sorting Hat, being on a kid’s head feels like how a human feels when they get their assholes washed out by a bidet.’
‘Couldn’t agree more,’ Harry replied as he stood up and brushed off the front of his pants. ‘The hole is on the bottom of the hat, so the hole must feel the same as an anus. The kid’s hair is the water.’
‘Right, exactly,’ Voldemort smiled. ‘That’s a good way to put it. Very succinct.’
‘I’ve been saying that we should encourage the incoming students to, like, dig their heads into the hat a little more than usual so it feels more satisfying for the hat,’ Harry continued as he put his wand back into his waistband. ‘I’m just thinking that if the hair goes even further into the hole, it’d probably feel like a deeper clean. Maybe gets at some of the gunk that kids’ heads can’t normally reach when the hat is put on their heads lightly.’
‘There’s honestly no reason to not do that. You should see that through. Ask one of the teachers for help with it. I’m sure if Harry Potter asked, they’d definitely do it.’
The two enemies talked about the Sorting Hat for another 10 minutes, in agreement every step of the way, until Hermione and Ron finally arrived ready to back up their friend and scared off Voldemort, who decided he would battle his foe another day.”
3. The time Voldemort and Harry both happened to show up to the same Sorting Ceremony just to proudly watch their mutual friend, the Sorting Hat, have its annual cleansing experience
Harry was in his fourth year at Hogwarts when he decided to head down to the Great Hall to witness the incoming class’s Sorting Ceremony, just to stand in the back and proudly watch how much the Sorting Hat was enjoying the refreshing feeling of being put on kids’ heads. When he ran into Voldemort, who was there for the very same reason, the two once again put their differences aside for a brief exchange about their mutual friend:
“‘Look at it up there. That hat is in heaven right now.’
Harry looked around, unsure of where the voice was coming from. He had come to the Great Hall alone to watch the Sorting Ceremony, and no one was near him except for Professor Crumbly, who was standing still and expressionless.
‘It’s me, Voldemort. My face is attached to the front of Professor Crumbly’s thigh. I’m back to being attached to people for now.’
Harry looked down at Crumbly’s leg and saw the unmistakable outline of a human face bulging from the Professor’s slacks and understood at once. Voldemort had come to watch the Sorting Hat enjoy his bidet-like experience just as Harry had. There, at the Sorting Ceremony, was a truce between them.
‘I was talking to Ron about how I think the Sorting Hat must feel like it’s on a bidet when it’s on a kid’s head, getting its anus and genitalia area cleaned by the hair, and he disagreed,’ Harry whispered to Voldemort. ‘Ron said that it’s a fallacy to assume that the hat’s only hole is the hat’s asshole. He said that the hole could just as easily feel like an ear hole to the hat, and that the kids’ heads could feel like a Q-tip.’
‘Ron’s a bloody idiot,’ hissed the face on the thigh. ‘The hole is on the bottom of the Sorting Hat, which is where the asshole goes. Also, the hole is right in the middle of its body. The asshole is always in the exact, direct center point of your body. Dead center.’
‘I said the same thing,’ Harry replied. ‘Maybe he’d listen if you told him.’
The conversation ended there, and the two enemies returned to standing in silence. That was the last they would speak on the matter for quite some time.”
4. The time Voldemort tempted Harry to join his side by saying that if they both believed that the Sorting Hat felt like it was getting its asshole cleaned when it was placed on a kid’s head, then perhaps they weren’t so different after all
Voldemort and Harry were in the midst of a duel during Harry’s sixth year when, after realizing how much more powerful Harry had become, the dark lord tried to reason with him:
“‘It doesn’t have to be this way, Potter!’ Voldemort bellowed over the roar of the lightning blasting from their wands and colliding as they battled to overpower one another. ‘We can rule together! We could be unstoppable! We already agree that when the Sorting Hat is on a kid’s head, it feels like it’s getting its stale anus blasted and scrubbed in a nice, revitalizing way. We’re destined to join forces!’
‘Never talk to me about the Sorting Hat satisfying its itchy asshole while we’re dueling,’ Harry screamed, his hair blowing straight back in the howling wind. ‘No matter how much we agree on the Sorting Hat bidet-anus situation, that has nothing to do with this!’
‘Don’t tell me what to say or when to say it, you miserable little bitch,’ Voldemort boomed before disappearing from sight, leaving Harry suddenly alone and deserted on the battleground. Looking around suspiciously in anticipation of a surprise attack, Harry thought the Sorting Hat conversation was over for now, but he had a hunch that the duel was not.”
5. The time Harry Potter wrote in Tom Riddle’s journal that he’s positive that the Sorting Hat’s opening is its ass and that having a kid’s head in there must feel like a bidet, to which Voldemort responded that he thinks about that all the time
Harry didn’t know it at the time, but the magic journal he found and began using as his own diary during his second year once belonged to Tom Riddle, and Voldemort could see everything that he wrote inside of it before it disappeared from the page. Voldemort blew his cover, however, when he replied to Harry’s theory about the Sorting Hat:
“The book Harry had found earlier that day fascinated him. He was enthralled by the way the words disappeared from the page right after he wrote them, and now that it was lights-out in his Gryffindor dorm, he decided that it was a good time to pull out the journal and get some thoughts off his chest.
‘My name is Harry Potter, and I think the Sorting Hat feels like it’s on a bidet when a kid is wearing it,’ Harry wrote. ‘I bet it feels great for the hat. I bet the hat wishes every day was the Sorting Ceremony because then it could get its musty anus cleaned out all the time. Who wouldn’t want that?’
Harry excitedly watched as the words disappeared from the page, and then gasped with astonishment as new words began to appear.
‘Hey, I shouldn’t do this but I’m doing it. This is Voldemort. This is my old journal from when I was a kid. Can read everything you write in here. I just wanted to say that I couldn’t agree more about the Sorting Hat—I’m with you 100%. I remember saying that all the time as a kid and people just rolled their eyes. So it’s cool that you also think the big hole is the hat’s asshole and that the kids’ heads are basically the water of the bidet.’
‘Yes, very cool,’ Harry wrote back. ‘I’m not going to write in here anymore, obviously. But pretty neat that we both agree about the Sorting Hat.’
Harry tossed the book into the fireplace next to him and almost instantly fell asleep as the book hissed and screamed and yelped in pain from the flames, sending echoes of anguish through the chimney and into the starry sky above Hogwarts.”