Take it from someone who knows—nothing compares to the special bond between a father and his little girl. The second you hold her for the first time, it’s all over. She is your world. But throughout it all, there’s one classic moment you imagine hundreds of times that really brings everything full circle: Every father looks forward to the day he can grind with his second wife to “Love Shack” at his daughter’s wedding.
Fatherhood is a roller coaster of ups and downs, but you know you’ve done your job right when you can finally get up on that dance floor with your wife of six months and really go at it to the B-52’s.
It’s certainly true that one of the scariest things you ever have to do as a father is let go of your little girl, but trust me, as you walk her down the aisle toward the man of her dreams, you will feel completely at peace knowing that soon she will be watching you wildly gyrate in a half-untucked dress shirt against a woman who is noticeably younger than her real mom. They say the big day is all about the bride, but I think “they” underestimate just what it means for a dad to be able to stagger to the center of a crowded ballroom, put his hands shockingly low on his new wife’s waist, and mumble incomprehensible “Love Shack” lyrics until he gets to phrases he knows like “JUKEBOX MONEY,” which he screams.
In that one moment, all the time you spent being married to one wife, raising your daughter, getting divorced, and then marrying a second wife seems worth it, and there you are, going nuts to The B-52’s biggest chart topper right in front of your daughter, dry-humping a woman she calls “Karen” just like you always dreamed.
Fair warning to all you other dads out there—when the time comes, you’re going to get a little emotional. You’re going to see your daughter in her wedding dress, and all of a sudden it will hit you that the little baby you raised is now this beautiful woman in a wedding dress watching wide-eyed as you sweat through your tuxedo and smash your crotch up against her new stepmom’s leg in perfect time to the flawless drumming of Charley Drayton. It’s a powerful moment, and no matter how hard you try, the tears will come, but in the end you owe it to your daughter to pull yourself together and start spanking your second wife right there on the dance floor while Fred Schneider sings about how his Chrysler is as big as a whale.
Though I’ve tried to put it into words, the truth is that you won’t truly understand the joy of grinding on your second wife to “Love Shack” at your daughter’s wedding until you just get out there and do it yourself. Just make sure that you remember to take it all in and treasure every second—it will be the happiest moment of your life, and “Love Shack” only lasts a little more than five minutes.