Get ready to feel annoyed, because this is a story about a dumbass who doesn’t realize just how great she’s got it: Mom’s complaining about her appearance even though she already snagged Dad and basically has everything she could want in life.
What you’ve got going on is really working for Dad, so just cheer up and enjoy your rocking life, idiot!
Despite the fact that Mom has spent the last 35 years holding down a total catch like Dad—who’s raking in $65K a year as the freaking manager of a used car dealership—she’s currently staring at her reflection in the mirror while complaining about how many wrinkles she has and how she should go on a diet to try to lose a little weight. That’s right, Mom of all people is seriously pulling back the skin around her neck to see what it would look like if she got plastic surgery, as if she hasn’t already locked down dad, who is the absolute king, and who helps the mortgage on our mid-size house in the suburbs that has a garden and a porch.
Open your eyes, Mom! You already have it all!
As if this situation weren’t infuriating enough, Mom’s now going on about how the other women in her yoga class all get work done and look so much younger than she does, clearly forgetting that whatever there is to be gained with plastic surgery will never compare to the love she already receives from her three adult children who call her frequently to tell her how much they miss her and will probably start having grandkids soon. Seriously, even if Mom suddenly looked like a 25-year-old supermodel, it couldn’t possibly make her life any better than it already is when she’s got Dad upstairs getting ready to take her out to Bertucci’s tonight for dinner.
Don’t be a dipshit, Mom. You’ve already got Dad, children who love you, and a 2009 Mazda MPV minivan that gets awesome gas mileage. It literally doesn’t matter what you look like because you already have your perfect life, so wake up, moron! You’re already living the dream!
