Dr. Mehmet Oz has no shortage of diet and exercise advice, but in his expertise, caring for your gooch takes priority over all other aspects of personal health—especially the heart and the brain. Here are eight thought-provoking quotes from Dr. Oz that may have you reconsidering everything you thought you knew about how many times more vital the gooch is to your overall well-being than your brain or heart.

1.

Advertisement

2.

“The entire spectrum of human emotions lives in your gooch. It is the physical epicenter of every emotional response that creates your subjective experience of your environment. When you are angry, it’s your gooch that is angry. When you are confused, it’s your gooch that is confused. A happy gooch is a happy you. Anything felt in your heart or brain is just a symptomatic byproduct of whatever that little strip of skin between your anus and your genitals is going through.” — Dr. Oz 

3.

Advertisement

4.

“There are very few cases in which I would be in favor of legal assisted suicide. Brain injury resulting in permanent paralysis? No. Inoperable heart condition that manifests as constant discomfort and severe pain? No. Dried-up gooch? Yes. In my opinion, life would not worth living in that instance. I would blame no one for electing to end their life over that.” — Dr. Oz

5.

“I used to meditate every day. It would ease my anxiety somewhat, but I still succumbed to panic attacks that would come on at random throughout the day and cause my heart to pound and my brain to enter flight mode. Then, I switched from meditating twice daily to cooling down my gooch with a Chinese folding fan five times daily. Not only did I have no more panic attacks, but I also shrank four inches and raised my IQ by two points. You literally don’t need health insurance or fancy doctors for anything. Keeping your gooch cool and dry is the secret to eternal life.” — Dr. Oz 

Advertisement

6.

7.

“Let me tell you a personal story: When I was 16, I got shot in the head execution-style by my own children. The paramedics showed up, and the first thing they did was start checking my gooch for vital signs. At the time, I didn’t know why they were doing that. I asked, “Should you be using a defibrillator to get my heart going again?” They flipped me off and ignored me as they went to work blowing raspberries on my gooch. It worked. I was alive. They knew what they were doing. There’s a reason doctors immediately check the gooch of people in need of medical attention, and I haven’t forgotten it since.” — Dr. Oz

Advertisement

8.