If you’re looking to stop those wrinkles dead in their tracks and turn every other woman in the general municipal area into a decrepit, 80-pound Skeletor, then look no further. These five luxury creams are an absolute must-have for any big-spending beauty queen. 


1. BioLogic’s DermaSin

Clinically proven to revitalize your face’s natural moisturizing ability, DermaSin is your best bet for whenever you’re on a time crunch and want to give your skin a quick, rejuvenating boost and make every other woman in the tri-county area look like an ancient hag who lives in some Star Wars forest. If you’re just getting home from work and need to run right back out the door to meet that special someone at the yacht club, simply splash your face with water, rub in the cream, and voilà! Watch as your dumbfounded date trips over their words at the sight of your radiant glow, which looks all the brighter compared to the sight of every other woman in the restaurant confusedly reaching for their own thin, decaying hair and panicking as it easily slides out of their scalp by the fistfuls. BioLogic has outdone itself with this one!

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2. Cell Serum GĂșnke

If you’re really in the position to spend big, Cell Serum GĂșnke is about as good as it gets. Say goodbye to the days of loading on makeup to cover up those pesky lines, because with GĂșnke’s age-reversing formula, you’ll instantly see those wrinkles disappear and then reappear tenfold on every woman in the surrounding four or five towns, basically turning them into shriveled-up pumpkins that were left out in the sun through an unusually hot November. With its price tag, you might want to save this one for an extra-special occasion, but when that wedding or graduation finally comes around, you’ll be glad you did: Your friends and family will be astounded by how young you look, especially as their own faces rapidly become old and hardened, making them look like they had gone to war more than 60 years ago and saw their best friend explode right in front of their eyes, and kept that bottled up this entire time!

3. Merlin’s Impossibility from Neutrogena

While wrinkles and crow’s feet were long thought to be an inevitability, clinical studies have shown that stem cells can completely reverse the effects of aging and morph every woman in your vicinity into a wrinkled-flesh sleeping bag filled with ancient, brittle bones, and Neutrogena’s Merlin line proves it as well as any product out there. Perfect for big occasions, Merlin’s Impossibility is as simple as rubbing it onto your face before an important meeting or a conference presentation, and you’ll be ready to go. When you walk into the room, every woman there will instantly be jealous of your youthful, radiant skin, especially as their own becomes loose and droopy faster than a candle melting in a microwave. If you can afford to shell out for it, trust us: Merlin’s Impossibility is totally worth it!

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4. Womb’s Dew for Everyday Youth

Radiant skin shouldn’t be reserved for big occasions only, and no one knows that better than the people at Womb’s Dew. Whether you’re grocery shopping, running to the bank, or just driving the kids to school, your Everyday Youth-smooth face will have total strangers stopping you in the parking lot and asking for your secret to line-free skin, all before asking whether you know why their own faces have suddenly become pale, dusty raisins, and why their newfound old-person ears and long-ass earlobes are growing at such an accelerated rate. And go ahead, don’t be modest: Tell them that it’s all thanks to Womb’s Dew. It’s not your fault that they can’t afford it!

5. Dr. Forever’s PermaYoung Cream

Dr. Forever has made a name for itself as the premier stem-cell cream that will make you look a decade younger while turning every other woman on the horizon into a dusty-ass mummy just begging to be put out of its misery, along with building the reputation as the most expensive beauty line on the market. But if you’re ready to spend the big bucks, you won’t regret getting your hands on this one, because Dr. Forever’s PermaYoung is the only lotion available with substantial, long-lasting results. So if you’re looking to have skin as smooth as a stainless-steel refrigerator door in a pretty nice house for months at a time while making every woman in a 10-mile radius look like a haggard human liver spot for so long that they’ll think they’re in hell, this is the cream for you. No matter how expensive it is, at the end of the day you can’t put a price on confidence!

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