Now, I’m no rookie when it comes to getting holes filled, but every once in a while a golf course will get the best of me. Here are five of the toughest par 3’s this dusty old slut has ever played.


1. Pebble Creek Golf Course, Sixth Hole

I was having a great time down in Tampa with my girls for a Whores Only Weekend—three days of dicks, drinks, and driving ranges—up until I hit the sixth hole at the Pebble Creek Golf Course. With those Florida winds rustling through the bikini top I was wearing as a shirt, I had to keep my head down and stay focused because the sand trap here is gnarlier than my muff after a day at the beach. Fortunately, I know my way around a shaft, so it only took me a couple extra strokes to get the job done.

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2. The Duck Woods Country Club, Third Hole

An ancient bimbo like me usually has zero reservations when it comes to the third hole, but between the blind tee shot and the fairway full of hills, hole three at the Duck Woods Country Club in the Outer Banks had me shaking in my denim cutoffs, praying to God I wouldn’t embarrass myself in front of my boss on our corporate retreat (that’s right, sluts can be franchise owners). My first stroke landed me way in the weeds, making it the second time that day I had to scour through a bush just to find some little white ball. Even though I got stuck in a couple of valleys, I ended up only one above par and took the lead over my colleagues—not bad for this geriatric fuck machine!

3. The Key West Golf Club, Ninth Hole

It was hot as hell at this Key West course where me and my girls played to kill time before the Margaritaville happy hour started, and that’s definitely one of the reasons the ninth hole was so tough. Things were off to a bad start when I immediately hit my ball into the water trap, and they continued to get worse when I finished skinny-dipping for the ball and couldn’t find my custom “MILF #69” Miami Dolphins jersey and had to fashion a top out of hand towels. After that, the bunkers got the best of me, and I was 15 over par when I finally made it to the green. I know how to finish fast, but the combination of 100-degree weather and the Strawberitas I’d been chugging all morning through my WineRack sports bra made this hole pretty much impossible. By the time I finally sank the ball, my stroke count was the same as the age on my fake ID: 46.

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4. The Key West Golf Club, 10th Hole

Woof. Unfortunately, conditions were no better on hole 10 due to a major uphill and the fact that at this point I was chasing the Strawberitas with Landsharks. Now I’m no quitter—I once got back in a sex swing immediately after falling out of it and cracking two ribs—but after one look, me and my girls knew it was time to call it a day. Thank heavens we did, because the deep-dicking I got at the key party we ended up having in our motel room after giving up on golf was probably one of my top three shags of the whole Key West trip. God, if only finding the green was as easy as finding the prostate on a Hardee’s regional sales manager.

5. Laguna Gulf Golf Course, Seventh Hole

If the seventh hole at the Laguna Gulf Golf Course in Cape May, New Jersey is a par three, then Steven Van Zandt isn’t the father of my daughter. Seriously, I’ve received enough citations for getting fingered on golf courses across this country to know that the downward slope on this hole makes it a par five. Even though it’s on my home course and I’ve played it countless times, the water alongside the entire fairway always gives me trouble, and unfortunately, just like a child support hearing involving an E Street Band guitarist whose legal team is much better prepared than yours, there are no mulligans—you’ve just gotta do the best you can with the cards you’re dealt. But though this hole has fucked me over on countless occasions, I’ll never forget the day I finally made par for the first time, which I celebrated by having a threesome with Ray Liotta and the fatter Coen brother. And it just doesn’t get any better than that.

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