Will You Make A Suitable Bride For Oscar Isaac?

Posted Jan. 4, 2016

This is of the utmost urgency: Oscar must have a bride, and we are to dredge one up for him. But oh, he is so particular, so exacting in his criteria. Are you the one suited to marry Oscar? Take this quiz to find out!

  1. 1. Oscar the actor is a small man of passions and pleasures, and he must not be wedded lightly. Tell it truly: To hang on the arm of Isaac—this is what you most desire?
  2. 2. Suppose Oscar came home from set in a black humor, snarling and brooding. As his bride, how would you unknit the sorrowed furrows of his famous brow and soothe him?
  3. 3. There is a name, a pet name, that only Oscar’s true beloved may call him, that she must call him by nothing but; else he’ll discard her as simply as pouring out turned milk, as he’s done to so many would-be brides. Can you intuit this pet name?
  4. 4. Far too much hinges on the wedding ceremonials and the pageantry of it all. The slightest stumble spells disaster. Thus, how will you utter the all-important “I do”?
  5. 5. We blush to broach it, but: the sexual duties. For Oscar is as particular in his carnalities as in all else, and we would rather die than let his needfulnesses go unanswered. Please now, what are your nighttime specialties?
  6. 6. And of course, how would you describe your scent?
  7. 7. Is there a snip of a message you would have us pass on to him before a choosing is made? A sweetness, perhaps, for sweet Oscar?
  • Results for Will You Make A Suitable Bride For Oscar Isaac?

    You Are The Perfect Bride For Oscar Isaac

    Oh! Oh, my sweet thing, you are the picture of perfection, like one of Oscar’s dolls come to life! Come now, come now, quickly! You must be scrubbed and shorn for Oscar! Oh, how he will reward us! Come now, for soon you will belong to him till death and beyond!
  • Results for Will You Make A Suitable Bride For Oscar Isaac?

    You Will Make A Passable Bride For Oscar Isaac

    Ah, child, were you only a smidge more refined, a hair more unblemished…but what is, is, and Oscar must be wed. Perhaps, in time, he will mold you to his liking, but like as not he’ll tire of your inadequacies and cordon you in the greenhouse with the rest of his would-be brides. Ah, but that is love and fate, forever entwined, cruel and incestuous.
  • Results for Will You Make A Suitable Bride For Oscar Isaac?

    You Would Make A Piss-Poor Bride For Oscar Isaac

    Go! Fly from here! Would you have us struck, or worse? The sight of you alone would send Oscar into a day of fits and tremors! You will never know the sticky warmth of Oscar’s touch nor plumb the love-soaked depths of his complicated heart. Ack! The search continues!

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